Aftermath
by morning sunlight
Summary: The boys have finally finished the demon, but what's left of them? Can they recover? NOW COMPLETE
1. So is this our life now?

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

_**Chapter 1 - So is this our life now?**_

"Hey Dean. How's it going today?" Sam enters the room, forcing the cheerfulness that he no longer feels into his voice. Sam can barely remember the last time he felt cheerful or even for that matter vaguely positive. It had been before they killed the demon and therein lay the irony. Killing the demon had been supposed to be the end. They were supposed to be able to have a life afterward. Instead, they got this, Sam a half-life and Dean... Sam doesn't know what he's got, doesn't know what he registers about what goes on around him most of the time.

The doctors say there is no reason for Dean not to walk, it won't be as smooth, easy and natural as it had been before but he could do it and with time it should become easier, but as a rule he doesn't. As far as anyone knows he's only walked twice since that day, twice since his broken legs had healed. Sam has a suspicion that Dean still does walk but he's never managed to find the proof he needs, but every time he looks at Dean, he thinks his brother still has too much muscle to not be doing something. It's been too long otherwise.

There is also no reason for him not to talk, but he doesn't, except in his sleep or when... Sam isn't sure what the actual triggers are... maybe anger, maybe fear. Some of the things he says suggest they might be possibilities although it isn't always clear what he's saying and half of it doesn't make sense. It is virtually impossible to know what Dean is thinking now. Sam had thought it to be hard work before, but now he is just floundering.

Sam moves round in front of his brother. "Hey Dean," he tries again as he crouches in front of the chair.

He hates it coming to see Dean here, like this. It is wrong, it is... hopeless. But for now Sam has no alternative. He can't take Dean home because Dean needs a safe environment and Sam's home wouldn't be safe not without someone watching Dean all the time and Sam's meagre salary can't support 24hour home care for him.

One hand drops from where the fingers are curled in the top of his t-shirt to clench the other resting in his lap, as Dean's eyes move from staring at the fish in the tank to looking at Sam. He blinks slowly but doesn't break eye-contact.

"So I was thinking, today's a good day." Sam reasons that he hadn't been thinking that at all, but Dean looking at him and maintaining eye-contact is enough to make it seem like a good day. It just shows how much his expectation for a good day has dropped. He supposes it just emphasises how sad their existence is that this does make the day seems better.

But then Dean lifts his hand and reaches forward, his fingertips brushing Sam's cheek. Sam keeps quiet, wondering "why now?" but not wanting the moment to end. He is barely breathing, not wanting to do anything that might stop this.

Dean moves forward a fraction, allowing his hand to cup Sam's cheek. His thumb traces gently over Sam's cheekbone, eyebrow and nose and now Sam is stunned because this is the first time, since that night with the demon, that Dean has initiated civilized contact with anyone. Sam thinks 'civilised' because although this isn't exactly normal in anybody's world, least of all Dean's, there is no intent to hurt in Dean's touch and to date that's the only type of contact Dean has started. It's why they don't take him to the community rooms anymore. They think he's a danger to the other patients and staff after he twice attacked people there, throwing punches. See, that's the problem with Dean. While this may not be the Dean Sam knew from before, this Dean still has the knowledge of how to fight and how to do damage to dangerous things, he just can't pick the right fights anymore.

Dean's hand falls back to his lap and his eyes drop to watch it and all Sam can see is sadness that goes on without end in his brother's eyes.

Sam knows he's pushing his luck but Dean has been more "here" in the last few minutes than he has in the months since they killed the demon, since the fight that brought them both to this point. He reaches forward and gently touches his fingertips to Dean's hand. He is pleased when Dean doesn't flinch or draw away. When Dean opens his hand, giving Sam access to fingers and palm, Sam is amazed.

Dean's eyes continue to watch as Sam's fingers gently run over his hand, gradually slowing until they come to rest with the barest of contact on the pulse point in Dean's wrist.

Dean's eyes are on Sam's hand but Sam's aren't; Sam's are watching Dean's face for clues, clues as to what Dean is thinking. Right now, he can read fear in Dean's eyes and wonders if Dean's frightened Sam is going to move for more contact or that Sam is going to remove it altogether. Sam does neither, just leaves his fingers in this barely-there ghost of a touch.

Sam sees the burgeoning look of desperation in Dean's eyes and wonders what to do to stop it. He doesn't want it to be there, he wants Dean's eyes to be the clear hopeful hazel they used to be.

"Dean," he says quietly, "It's okay." Dean's eyes come up to meet his. An instant later, Sam feels Dean's hand close round his. The grip is too hard to be comfortable but Sam says nothing just waits. It's the grip of a man hanging from a crumbling precipice, a man wanting to be pulled to safety. Sam waits until he hears Dean draw a desperate breath, then he knows he has to do something, he's losing Dean again and he can't let that happen. He lets his thumb fall to the back of Dean's hand and strokes it over the taut muscles there. He feels Dean's grip loosen enough to be comfortable, sees the tension in his eyes recede a fraction, knows he got it right this time.

He mimics Dean's move from earlier and lifts his free hand to Dean's cheek, sees him almost flinch away before holding steady, waiting. Sam wants to ask him what he's afraid of, what he thinks Sam might do, but more that he wants to know what happened. What did the demon do to break who Dean is? He knows what it did to Dean's body but it's not his body that Sam's worried about now. If he could only find Dean inside this body, he knows they could overcome most of the physical damage.

"Dean, I won't hurt you."

He looks up at Sam as if to say "Why do you say that? I know."

"You flinch, Dean, when I come near... when anyone comes near, you..."

Sam sees Dean's hand come back to finger the top of his t-shirt again. "Sorry," Dean's voice is rusty from not being used other than his screams when the nightmares overtake him, but it's a beautiful sound to Sam. It's Dean taking part in a conversation.

"You don't need to be sorry, but can you tell me why? What do you think will happen?"

Sam isn't surprised when Dean remains silent. An answer had been too much to hope for. He is surprised by the headshake. It means so much. It means he isn't going to talk about it, maybe can't talk about it, but it also tells Sam he's still there, pick the right thing and maybe, just maybe, we can keep talking.

"It's okay, Dean. It doesn't matter." He puts his hand over the one Dean has resting on the arm of the chair and feels it clench against the chair as Dean tries not to pull away.

He withdraws his hand and sees an apology in Dean's eyes, a belief that he's let Sam down again, that he isn't who he should be, who Sam wants him to be. "It's fine, Dean. We can sit like this, we're fine." But Sam's reassurances don't drive the look from his eyes.

"So today, at work, you know what happened?" Sam talks, tells Dean about his day, tells him stuff that's happening outside these four walls. He doesn't ask Dean anything because that look hasn't gone yet and he doesn't want to ask something Dean can't answer, he doesn't want Dean to feel pressured.

It takes time, but he sees the look ease. It doesn't go completely though, but Sam is running out of steam, he has nothing left to say, but today he is determined. Dean has tried so hard, come so far, today. Sam isn't going to let them sit here in silence. Today, Sam is going to be the brother Dean deserves.

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**Author's note:** So I'm off now to try and post chapter 2 straight after I've done the final check through - here's fingers crossed. Thanks for reading, hope it meets with your approval. 


	2. Do you think we can do this?

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

_**Chapter 2 - Do you think we can do this?**_

"Do you feel like going outside for a bit?" Sam asks. He watches as Dean's eyes flick to the window, there is a yearning there, then to Sam, then down in defeat. "Dean, would you like it? To go outside?"

He looks at Sam as if to say 'I don't know, I don't know whether I can, I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to leave this room.' His fist clenches at the base of his throat.

"Dean, how about I talk with the staff and then I take you outside for a few minutes. We don't need to go far, just as far as you feel okay with."

"W-W-What if I..." Dean's been stuck inside for weeks. He only sees three rooms, his own, his doctor's and the gym. He goes to each when no other patients are around. He speaks to no-one and only the doctor, his physiotherapist and the staff who take care of him speak to him. He has the same staff and each does the same thing and Sam wonders if that doesn't just make the whole thing worse.

"I'll be back soon," Sam says as he goes to find the doctor to tell him about his idea.

The doctor agrees reluctantly, saying at least all the other patients have come in for their meal now. Dean after all, he reminds Sam, is the only patient who doesn't eat now. Sam knows that, Dean eats better for Jerry, the guy who comes in at 8 than he does for Suzanne, his key nurse now, so rather than non-stop battling, Dean's food is put on one side and Jerry re-heats it when he comes in.

Sam heads back down to Dean's room with an extra sweatshirt he had in the car that shouldn't be too hard to get on. When he opens the door to Dean's room, he can feel the tension hit him but makes a decision to soldier on as if everything were okay. He knows it could backfire, they could end up back where they were before today, but maybe he can make this work if he handles this right. One thing Sam knows is that he can't take many more visits in which he watches Dean stare mindlessly at those god-damned fish. He knows that sounds harsh but he hates coming in and seeing Dean stare without moving for hours on end. They'd given him the fish after removing the television. They seemed to think it was to account for Dean's nightmares. Unsurprisingly for Sam removing it had not improved the situation. Sam wishes it were that simple to get rid of the horrors he imagines trawl freely through Dean's mind when he's asleep. If there's anyone in this place who's seen enough to give them nightmares it's Dean. One night a week, Sam stays over. One night a week, he's there when the night terrors come. One night a week, Dean sleeps a little better and Sam sleeps barely at all.

Sam approaches Dean carefully and starts talking as if they were already part way through a conversation, "So I thought I'd stop and bring back a sweatshirt for you on my way. I just thought you might want it on, it's a bit cooler out there than in here." Dean always so active he was warm, Sam used to envy him how little he felt the cold. Now, Dean's never warm. Each room here can have the heating individually controlled and the doctor asked him if Dean had always had difficulty keeping warm because now his room was set to the highest setting and he was still often found shivering with cold.

It was just one more part of Dean's burden, one more thing he had to battle, had to struggle against. It was one more thing to wear down his spirit, his pride, his dignity.

Sam rambles on with his grand plan for their trip outside, while Dean turns the sweatshirt over and over in his hands. Sam tells him how good it will feel to breathe the fresh air, how outside there are different areas, a herb garden, a flower garden, there's a pond with fish, if Dean wants they can go look at the fish. Sam's inordinately pleased to get a disparaging look from Dean at that suggestion. Dean still hasn't put on the sweatshirt and Sam figures that is the sign, the sign to say we aren't going anywhere, I can't do it. He'll accept that as what Dean wants. He'll accept it because at least today they talked about going out, at least today for a moment it seemed possible. Sam stops talking and Dean stops glaring at the sweatshirt he's torturing in his hands. Sam reaches down to take the sweatshirt and says quietly, "It's okay, Dean, another time maybe," but as he goes to take the sweatshirt away, Dean snatches it back and begins to struggle into it. Sam wants to help, wants to make it easier but knows that at times, anger propels Dean further than any other emotion ever could. Right now, Dean's angry, angry that he can't just put the sweatshirt on, that it hurts and pulls across the scars on his body left by the demon's second attack on him. Dean won't let the demon win this battle with a shred of fabric and so Sam stands back, heart fragmenting as Dean finally manages to get the sweatshirt on.

Sam moves Dean's chair towards the door and hears how uneven Dean's breathing has become so he stops and moves to face him again. "We don't have to do this today."

His hand drops again from his throat to his lap as he answers, "D-Do"

"You've done fine, Dean. You've done enough."

There is a moment's hesitation, a moment when Dean nearly takes Sam's offer, then he says, "D-Do it."

"Just let me know, Dean. We'll come back, it'll be fine." He receives a nod and starts to move forward again.

They don't make it outside, but they make it to the door and they sit with the door open for a while and Dean breathes deeply of the fresh air that is carried in on a breeze and Sam is so proud of him, he thinks he could burst.

* * *

_ To be continued as they say... _ Here's hoping it is meeting with your approval.


	3. It's going to take time

**_Aftermath_**

_**

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** _

**Disclaimer -** It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

**

* * *

**

**Summary -** This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help.

**

* * *

**

**Author's Note -** there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language

_**Author's thanks -** to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. Best wishes to you all._

_**

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** _

_**Chapter 3 - It's going to take time**_

They don't make it outside but they make it to the door and they sit with the door open for a while and Dean breathes deeply of the fresh air that is carried in on a breeze and Sam is so proud of Dean, he thinks he could burst.

They stay there for about fifteen minutes before Dean can't handle it anymore and Sam takes him back to the room. Sam wonders if he's done the right thing when Dean still seems upset after they get back.

He stops by the chair and goes to sit there so they are comfortably at the same height. "Dean?" Sam wants to reach out and touch him, reassure him that everything is good, they're fine but he knows Dean probably can't handle anymore right now. He leans forward, elbows resting on his knees and sighs before he can stop himself. The sigh is not exasperation or annoyance at the fact they didn't actually get outside, it's that he can't make this easier for Dean and he wants to.

He feels a light touch graze across his hand and looks up into Dean's sorrow-filled eyes. "S-S-Sorry."

Sam shakes his head and wonders when Dean developed the stutter. Is it because of the damage done or is it because Dean hasn't spoken in so long? Sam turns his hand over and watches as Dean gently traces patterns on his palm, vaguely remembers Dean doing this when they were young, remembers they used to play a game in the back of the car, writing messages on each other's palms, watches in case that is what Dean is doing now. It isn't.

"Do you remember doing this when we were kids? You used to write messages on my palm then, Dean."

Dean nods. Sam smiles at him.

"You did well today, Dean. I'm proud of you."

"N-No. N-N-Not outside."

"Doesn't matter. Next time maybe."

Sam sees a flash of hope flicker through Dean's eyes, before he says, "T-t-tomorrow."

"Sure. Tomorrow. We'll go tomorrow... maybe... if you feel like it then." Sam wants to run and jump and shout, tell the world that Dean is mending, Dean is coming back and everything **is** going to be okay, but instead he smiles and nods and takes Dean's hand, turning it over gently. He begins to trace letters on Dean's palm. "D" he traces slowly, "O" knowing Dean is watching, "N" he leaves it light, "E" if Dean wants to pull away he can, "G" but he wants Dean to know, "O" just how hard he knows this is, "O" just how pleased he is, "D" it isn't poetry, but it's a start.

Dean waits until Sam lets go, his breathing still calm and even, then he turns Sam's hand and traces, "S A M". It's enough. Sam knows this and smiles.

Sam stands. "I have to go now, but I'll be here same time tomorrow. Jerry will be in soon."

Dean nods and turns back to the fish. Sam doesn't want to go, doesn't want to leave Dean like this but... Sam knows he's worrying, he's dreading coming back tomorrow and finding today didn't happen, the progress was all in his imagination.

"Tomorrow, Dean," he says as he leaves.


	4. Something needs to change

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

**_Chapter 4 - Something needs to change  
_**

On his way out, Sam decides to stop by and speak to Dean's doctor, there's a few things they need to discuss and the fish are a good place to start. 

Sitting in this room, Sam can imagine how Dean feels. He's amazed any of the patients talk to the guy, amazed there aren't more like Dean. The office is intimidating. It's austere, cold and impersonal. The doctor sits in a huge, imposing chair whilst his visitors sit on lower, less comfortable chairs. He hadn't noticed it so much before, wonders if the guy has a different set of visitor chairs stashed somewhere, a set brought out for new potential clients, a less uncomfortable set, but once he's convinced you to place your sick relative in his hands and you've signed the papers, then you get downgraded. 

Sam though, like the old Dean, is not intimidated by much. Given his height advantage, Sam smiles when he realises that even sat down on this ridiculous chair he's as tall as the doctor who ,it has to be said, could give Danny DeVito a run for his money in the short stakes. 

"So I'll only take just a few minutes of your time... if this goes okay," Sam starts. 

He sees the doctor relax at the mention of "just a few minutes" but tense back up with the "if this goes okay." Sam watches and can see he's trying to work out what the problem could be. He's already been to get Dean's notes and he's flicked back and forth through but he's obviously none the wiser. 

"So your brother?" he says. "We've been pleased with his progress this month, or let me see... yes, six weeks now," 

"You are?" 

"We are. Aren't you?" 

"Not overly, no. What is there to be pleased about?" 

"We've had no more little 'outbursts', Mr Winchester. This is a huge improvement. Your brother is much quieter now, much calmer." 

"And you think this is good?" 

"Oh yes, Mr Winchester. We can't have patients injuring themselves, other patients or staff." Sam can see his point, but having Dean completely catatonic doesn't seem entirely like progress either. "It's been four weeks since the last incident. Very pleasing." 

"Yes, but Dean doesn't seem to do anything at all now. He just stares at the fish. My feeling is the fish are not good for him." 

"The fish. Mr Winchester, the fish seem to be a key factor in calming your brother." 

"No. I think the fish have driven my brother to the point of becoming a vegetable. He is not being stimulated. He just sits and stares at them." 

"Your brother has proved to be a very, let me say, problematic patient. I think he has, perhaps, been over-stimulated in the past. He needs time to accustom himself to a slower pace, one that we can hope perhaps, his body will be able to manage." 

"My brother is used to being fit, active, independent. More needs to be done to encourage him to return to that state." 

"Mr Winchester... your brother has resisted almost all of our efforts to help him." 

"I realise that you have many patients and that Dean's needs are ... particular... different to other patients but how much time does he spend on his own with those goddamned fish with nothing else to do?" 

"Well, each day he has a session in the gym..." 

"On his own." 

"With his physiotherapist. He has time with me, but he is generally unresponsive during that time." 

"I can imagine. He would find that difficult, he isn't the type to talk about that sort of thing, well anything personal really, not with strangers, or... anyway..." 

"Staff sit with Dean during mealtimes. He now eats a little at breakfast and lunch without fuss; not as much as we would like but still progress. You know the arrangements we have made for the evening meal as well. They pop in on him throughout the day and night and spend time with him when he awakens at night." 

"My brother is given little opportunity to interact when he's calm during the day. He needs time. If people pop in and out, he will not respond. Someone needs to sit with him, give him time to respond. This evening my brother and I had a conversation." Sam knows he's being generous calling it a conversation, but Dean needs Sam to get things changed. 

"So what did you and your brother converse about?" 

"Not much, given the fact all he does is watch fish swim in a tank all day. Enough however for me to request some more time be spent with him. When he does speak, he appears to have developed a stutter." 

"It is difficult for staff to spend more time with Dean when he cannot be allowed into the community areas with the other patients." 

"Maybe he could be allowed back at quieter times, perhaps with closer supervision." 

"Mr Winchester..." 

"Listen, I realise Dean is not your easiest patient, but I do know my brother, and I can be certain something must have triggered his actions. Something must have happened beforehand." 

"Mr Winchester, you say you know your brother, yet you describe him as fit, active, independent. I am sorry but your brother is no longer the same as he was before the attack. I am sorry to have to point this out to you, but your brother is not the same man he was before. He now has both a physical and a mental hurdle to overcome. Sometimes, young men, like Dean, are the ones who suffer most long term after an attack of this nature. They find it hardest to put it behind them. Your brother's case is not without precedent I'm afraid." 

Sam knows it probably is 'without precedent' but that's because Dean was attacked by a demon and not by a gang of thugs like it says on all the papers. 

"Now you came to see me earlier this evening about taking your brother out into the grounds. Now I acceded to your wishes, however, I noticed that you did not actually do that. Was there a reason for that?" 

"Yes, it was too much for him." 

The doctor nods at Sam's words, as if to say it was what he expected all along. "Yes, well, this is what I'm..." 

"We sat in the open doorway, however, for 15 minutes and Dean enjoyed the fresh air." Sam's glad he can say that much as judging by his expression it's more than the doctor expected. "He has already expressed a desire to go out tomorrow." 

"Really? Well, I hope he feels up to it tomorrow when you visit in that case." 

Sam knows he needs to prove to Dean that he can do more than just sit there, will do more than just sit there before the staff are going to be able to achieve anything with him. 

"I'll be staying over tomorrow night," Sam states. 

"It's not your usual night for that." 

"No, but I'm going to try and stay more often now. I think it will help him. At least I can sit and spend time with him. Maybe that will help us all get better results." Sam doesn't really want to antagonise the doctor. He actually likes this place, chose it over all the others because it was better, the best they could afford with the insurance money, way better than he'd hoped and that had been a surprise. He hadn't expected much after their last run-in with the demon but turns out both he and Dean had been paying into the insurance. He was surprised, figured Dean was more a man of the moment, wouldn't have been willing to continue the commitment but not only had he continued it he'd upped the premium and that was another ironic fact - three more months paying in and he could have had the home care he wanted for Dean for as long as they needed it, but now there is a limit and he needs to be sure Dean is going to be ready when he takes it. 

Sam gets the doctor's agreement that yes having his brother's undivided attention will help and that perhaps at a quieter time with Sam and an extra member of staff on hand then Dean can be taken to join in with something in the community room. They'll come up with a list of ideas. 

Reassured, Sam heads home. It's going to take time but he's sure they can fix this. 


	5. Are we going forward?

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

**_Chapter 5 - Are we going forward?_**

Sam has been a nervous wreck all day. His mind playing over and over the events of yesterday dreading finding out they were a one-off, dreading walking in and finding Dean as unresponsive as he has been since... just since will do. 

Now he's here in the car, in the traffic and if it doesn't clear soon, he's just gonna scream. He's nearly beside himself by the time he actually gets to Dean's and at that instant he can't go in, feels physically sick at the thought of going in. He stops at the door and tries to pull himself together. Once he's braced himself, he opens the door and... 

Dean looks up and says, "S-sam." and Sam feels like he can breathe again, as if he hasn't been breathing at all since he left yesterday and truly realised how much had changed and how important it was. He takes a good look at Dean and realises he is wearing the sweatshirt from yesterday. 

"You cold?" 

"N-n-no. G-going outs-side, you s-said." 

"Now?" 

"Y-yes. W-waiting for you." 

"Oh sorry." 

"T-traffic bad?" 

It's a conversation, a real one this time, one that Dean has continued and added to, not been forced into. "Yeah, Dean, the traffic was bad. It was terrible tonight actually. Come on though, let's go for this walk." He's simultaneously relieved and amazed at the turn of events. Sam doesn't ask Dean if he's okay or if he's sure,. he can see in his brother's posture that he's having to work hard to hold it all together so Sam just goes with the flow and pushes Dean down to the outside door. 

Sam pauses at the door to outside, to give them both time to breathe. When Dean says nothing nor makes a sign, he moves forward across the threshold. They are outside. 

They have made it. He walks slowly down the path. He doesn't rush, it's a slow walk. Sam isn't looking at their surroundings, he's watching Dean. There's been nothing yet, apart from an anxious pulling on the neck of the sweatshirt, but he doesn't want to risk missing a sign that Dean's reached his limit. 

They reach one of the garden areas. Sam's guessing it's the herb garden, if only because there don't seem to be many proper flowers here. "S-stop here." 

Sam stops as Dean has requested. He's near a bench so he puts the brake on and sits round next to Dean. "You okay? Shall we stay here or do you want to head back in?" 

"Sit. St-stay here. S-s-safe." 

"Safe? Dean, we're safe all round here, you don't need to worry." Sam knows he's made sure it's safe, assumed Dean would know that too. He has been all round the property before Dean even got here to lay charms and protective spells. He wasn't taking any chances, but now he's worried that Dean hasn't realised that. He wonders if Dean has been worrying about that all this time. 

"S-sage, Rosemary, F-fennel, Lavender, Basil, B-bay, A-ang-gelica." Sam watches as Dean looks round at the plants, listing their names. 

"You know them all," he says. 

"No," comes the reply, "N-not all. Some t-taste good, some p-protect." 

"It's all safe here, Dean. You don't need to worry. I've made sure of it. You will be safe here." 

"C-can't keep you s-s-afe, Sam." Sam can hear his breath hitching, recognises it as one of the new signs of distress. The signs didn't used to be so obvious. 

"Dean, stop worrying, look at me." 

Dean does as he has been asked and Sam can see the torment in his eyes. He takes his hand and Dean's eyes widen further. "Stop and listen. I've been all round. I made sure there was nothing here. I've laid protection all round. We're safe." 

Dean's eyes close and Sam isn't sure what to do. When Dean finally opens his eyes, they are glistening with unshed tears. He sees Sam watching him and turns his face away. Sam realises he is still holding the hand he had earlier. He turns it over and traces letters on Dean's palm but Dean pulls his hand away. 

"Dean, can you tell me what's the matter?" 

Dean remains still and silent. 

"Do you want to go back?" 

"N-no." He can still hear the hurt in Dean's voice but at least he has answered. 

"Do you want to walk further?" 

"Do we have to?" 

"No, we can stay here. Is that what you want to do?" 

"S-stay here." 

"Do you want to talk or just sit?" 

"S-sorry." 

"For what?" 

"F-failed you." Sam's trying to work out where Dean's train of thought has taken him, knows Dean hasn't failed him but it's going to be harder convincing him of that. 

"No, you haven't." 

"Sh-shouldn't have to protect f-for m-me." 

"What? Dean, you once told me, we've got each other's back. You've saved me, protected me all my life. Ease up and let me return the favour for a while." 

He sees Dean dash his hand across his eyes and turn his head away again. Sam rests his fingers lightly on Dean's nearer arm. "Talk to me." 

He is stunned when Dean begins to talk. "Y-you should h-hate me. It's all gone because of m-me." 

He moves his fingers lightly over Dean's arm hoping to reassure him. "You know I don't hate you, couldn't hate you, don't you? You have..." 

"S-stop! You will h-hate me, w-when you know." 

"No. I won't Dean. There is no reason for me to hate you." 

"I sh-should b-be dead. B-better if I was." 

"No it wouldn't be, dude." 

"Sh-should be me d-dead." 

"Dean..." 

"L-leave me." 

"No." 

"Y-you should leave m-me. Stay s-safe." 

"No Dean." Sam can hear the disappointment in his own voice at Dean's words. "I won't do that. I'm staying here." He can see he's losing this battle, Dean is retreating back within himself as Sam watches. 

Sam feels like he's walking a tightrope to get to Dean but while he's concentrating on keeping balance, the ends are being sawn through. He wonders which end will give way first. Will he swing toward or out of reach of Dean? 

"Dean, please. I need you to..." 

Sam doesn't get to finish what he was going to say as a voice interrupts them, "Aah, Dean. There you are. Hi Sam. I wondered where you were. I figured maybe you might need this." The voice belongs to Suzanne and she is carrying a blanket which she unfurls before passing it to Dean. He lets it fall over his lap and pulls it tight to him. Still fiddling with the edge, he stammers out, "Th-thank you." 

She expresses no surprise that he has made it outside or that he has spoken to her, just carries on as if everything is normal. "It's fine, just let me know if you need anything else. I'll leave you boys to it and see you in a bit." 

Dean nods once before turning his attention back to the plants. 

Sam gives a smile as Suzanne leaves. She waves and continues back inside. Sam thinks maybe a safe topic is needed for conversation to relieve the growing tension between him and his brother. 

"What are they good for?" he says gesturing vaguely at the nearest bed of plants. 

"D-d-don't want to kn-know." 

"I want you to tell me." 

"L-laugh at the st-stupid guy with the s-stutter." 

Sam realises just how much effort it is for Dean to talk, knowing how it sounds. "Dean, it's not true. I'm not going to laugh at you." 

"S-sam." Sam can hear the sadness in his voice as he continues. "Y-y-you want to know, y-you can f-find out more than I c-can t-tell you." 

Sam knows this isn't working like he'd hoped. It isn't helping. He realises that even with the added warmth of the blanket, Dean is shivering badly. "You're cold," he says plainly. Dean shrugs, an off-hand gesture as if to say it doesn't matter. 

"I think maybe we should both go back in and get warmed up. I need to sort some stuff out from the car too." Dean raises his head slightly as if to question what Sam needs to bring in. 

"I figured I'd stay over. The apartment is kinda dull, lonely. I'd rather be with you." 

Dean answers that with a raise of his eyebrows but doesn't utter a sound. 

Sam knows Dean has carried on conversations for years without words. The words he said were often just noise, noise to hide what he was really saying. Now with the stutter, the exhaustion and the pain, he'd stopped the noise. "Come on, Dean. Let's go in now," and with that Sam picks up a corner of the blanket that is trailing on the floor and tucks it back round Dean's legs. 

He pushes Dean back up the path. He sees the clock hanging in the corridor and realises they've managed about fifteen minutes outside and that he should feel elated but with Dean silent and brooding, he isn't. He is worried he's done more damage than good, but he can't just sit back and hope something is going to come along and fix everything. Sam's got to get it figured out because he's not going to accept that this is the best Dean can hope for. 

With Dean back in his room, Sam offers him another blanket but he just shakes his head. 

Sam wants to go over and... well he's full of ideas but he's not convinced any of it would help because it's Dean he's thinking of. At the simplest level, he wants to rub Dean's limbs until the circulation returns and he's no longer cold and shivering all the time. At the extreme, he wants to smash the fragile shell that surrounds his brother, catch the pieces and put him back together properly, but Sam knows it isn't about what he wants, it's about what Dean will let him do and he's got to be ready and he's got to get it right. 

"Dean," he says quietly. Dean's eyes flick to him though his head turns only slowly. "Do you need anything? I'm going to the car for my stuff." 

Dean just shakes his head so Sam says, "Okay," and walks to the door. 

He's got the door just opens, when he hears Dean says, "S-sam." 

"Yeah?" 

"S-s-sorry." 

He's got no idea what Dean is apologising for this time, he wants Dean to stop apologising because he's certain Dean shouldn't be doing it. Sam hates the fact that Dean who hardly ever said sorry before, always did something to show it instead, seems to be apologising almost every time he speaks now. He doesn't say that though. What he says is "Yeah. Me too, Dean, but it'll be okay." He can say it because he is sorry. He's sorry he can't fix this, he can't put it right. It's not like when they were kids, hurts cured by a bit of TV, the right food or a hug. The damage done now is too much, too out-of-reach. Sam walks slowly out to the car, thinking. 


	6. Sometimes silence is easier

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

**_Chapter 6 - Sometimes Silence is easier_**

Dean hears the door close and lets his head drop into his hands. If he had the energy, he'd despise himself for this, for who he has become but right now he's just trying to breathe and hold everything together enough. It's not working. He knows that. He knows Sam can see the cracks and wants to fix them. It's probably too late for that. Dean figures there's probably not much worth fixing any more. Sam would be better to cut his losses and head out, just go and make a life for himself instead of lumbering himself with a useless liability like his brother. 

Dean had thought about ending it all but he couldn't do that to Sam. It was one thing to leave Sam with a brother shut away in a home, but he wouldn't let him suffer the guilt of a brother who committed suicide.. He knew Sam had argued with the staff that Dean hadn't tried suicide, but Dean knew that whilst Sam could explain why it wasn't a crap suicide attempt, he couldn't give an explanation of what it actually was. Dean knew but hadn't said anything, couldn't say anything that would make sense to anyone else. 

Taking his hands from his face, he looks down at his arms. He rolls up his left sleeve. The marks are still there, but they are so faint now he can barely make them out. He runs his index finger down them, trying to remember the sensation. He doesn't hear the door open behind him, so lost in the memory is he, but Sam sees what he's doing. 

Sam had been walking to the car when he had an idea to tempt Dean to eat more tonight, but all thought of food has vanished from his mind as he moves to Dean. He takes hold of Dean's right hand, stilling the movement. "Why did you do it?" he asks in a voice that is barely more than a whisper. 

Dean shrugs but doesn't meet Sam's eyes. 

"Dean?" 

"I th-thought..." he sighs, trying to figure out how he could explain, what he could say to make it alright, to make Sam accept it and forget about it. He feels so burnt out, so drained, he can't fight it and he starts to try and explain the reality of what he did. "It hurt, b-but it was my d-decision, I c-could c-control how much and..." He can see the look on Sam's face but now he's started, he can't stop. "I j-just w-wanted... wanted some of th-the cold and the pain inside to g-go, g-get out. I'm sorry, S-sam. I d-don't know anym-more. I just feel tired and it hurts and I j-just keep letting you d-down." 

"No, you don't." 

"It..it hurts, Sam." Dean can see that Sam is at a loss for what to say. He probably wonders what Dean is talking about. Dean wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't enough to finally drive Sam away for good. He closes his eyes and drags a breath in, feeling the still healing scars on his chest flex and grimaces at the tight pull. "I-I'm sorry." 

Sam sighs, then with his own right hand, he gently passes a finger over the fading marks on Dean's forearm. He shakes his head sadly but doesn't break the point of physical contact, wonders what he can possibly say that might help. "It's too much." 

Dean knows Sam's right, he shouldn't have to stand by and watch Dean self-destruct. It's time Sam had had enough, he shouldn't put up with the drama any longer. "I know," he replies. He looks away, he can't watch Sam leave, even though he knows it's the right thing. 

"Dean, you can't do this, not anymore," Sam says as he lets his hand rest over the fading marks. "it has to come out, you have to let someone help, but not this... not this." 

Sam sees a look of desperation in his brother's eyes. He pushes on because he can't risk Dean not realising how important this is. "Dean, I can't let you do this sort of thing. You need to talk, I'll talk to the doctor, we'll sort something out, someone you can talk to." 

As Dean forces out the word, "No," Sam sighs. 

"You need to talk, Dean. You've got to get this out." 

Dean says nothing, can't work out what to say. He reckons Sam knows he can't talk to a doctor, not without being permanently confined to care, no-one was going to believe anything Dean had to say. 

Sam's been thinking the same thing through even as he begins to speak again, "If you can't talk to them because of the hunting stuff, talk to me." He sees Dean's look of horror. "What about Bobby? Or Jordan? I could try to find out where he is, you two used to get on well." 

Dean knows he isn't going to get away with this; that Sam will keep right on plugging it. He can't talk to the doctors and he can just imagine what the other hunters would say, if he tried confiding. He knows Sam is right though, he needs to let it out. The pain in his arm didn't really help for more than the few minutes afterward,and was followed by an overwhelming despair that nothing changed, it didn't really help. Talking to Sam though... it would mean Sam had to stay, Sam would have to know what he was thinking inside, the dirty secrets he carried. "S-sam... you d-don't want to know." 

"Dean, tell me, even if we can't fix it, at least it might make it easier to control this, to live with it." 

Dean knows he's going to talk to Sam, but he doesn't know how to start and dreads what Sam is going to think of him by the time he's finished. 

Sam starts to talk again, "You know it's me, it doesn't matter what it is, just tell me." He wants Dean's full attention, but his eyes are flicking round the room, avoiding seeing Sam at all. Sam moves his hand from Dean's arm and places it on his chest, hoping to draw his eyes back. 

He sees Dean grimace at the contact, "Dean? I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to hurt. Is it that bad?" 

Dean looks embarrassed that he's winced at such a slight touch. His head drops forward as he tries again not to be drawn into a conversation. 

"Let me see," Sam asks. "Is it healing? What are they doing for it?" 

" 's fine. J-just slow to h-heal." 

"It's another reason why you can't let it go too far. This isn't an option," he says indicating Dean's arm. "Right now, your body needs help healing, not more work to do." 

Dean knows he's right. 


	7. Breaching the walls

Chapter 7 - Breaching the walls

Sam goes to fetch his stuff from the car. He's shocked by seeing Dean tracing the marks on his arm so lost in thought. Even knowing Dean doesn't have anything with which to repeat the process doesn't really calm him any because whatever drove Dean to do it before is quite clearly still there.

He's surprised by how much Dean has said, but not by what he's said. He's known Dean's locked up emotions inside for years rather than dealing with them. Realistically he hadn't expected Dean to agree to talk to a doctor, he'd have panicked if he'd said yes. He wishes Dean didn't feel like he had an image to keep up in front of himself, Bobby and Jordan.

Sam walked back towards Dean's room carrying his stuff, plus some extras for Dean. He'd been thinking at lunch time about how Dean was sat in a room with nothing to do but watch the fish or look out of the window, so he'd gone shopping. He got four books and a couple of DVDs that he can play on the laptop. It took him the whole of his lunch break because he realised he had no idea what Dean actually likes. He remembered a time in his teens when Dean had loved motels with Discovery channels, a time when Dean had read his school books and books the Pastor had lent them with relish, but that seemed like a lifetime away now. He also knows he needs to be careful; he can't risk the doctor deciding that something he has given Dean has made the nightmares worse or Dean's attitude or interactions with people aggressive.

As he approaches Dean's room, he sees the door is open. He can hear Jerry's voice and he sounds like he isn't happy. "Dean, we have a deal. I bring you food and you eat it. What is the problem? I've got plenty to do this evening without you messing me around."

Sam pauses just before the door and listens to see if he can work out what is happening. He hears Dean attempting to say something "S-s-s."

Jerry isn't listening though and continues without giving Dean chance to get his words out. "Your choice, man. I'll stay while you eat, otherwise, I'm off and you can sit on your own until bed."

Sam can hear the clatter of plates being collected angrily.

"Waste of my fucking time."

Sam steps into the doorway. As Jerry turns to leave, he steps back in surprise. "Fuck Sam. I didn't know you were here. Why didn't you do something, Dean, let me know? Geez! Is that why you wouldn't... sorry, look I'll go and get you both something, okay?"

"Don't waste your time," says Sam. Dean's eyes flick anxiously between the two men, his hand clenching at his throat.

"It's no... shit... look I'm sorry, Sam, okay? I'm just having a bad day. I didn't mean anything by it... Look, I'll bring something."

"Like I said, don't waste your fucking time. I'll sort it for us both," and with that he pushes past and stands between Jerry and his brother.

When he'd first entered the room he could hear Dean's breathing hitching but it already seems calmer.

Jerry leaves the room. Sam sits down. "You okay?"

Dean nods, then looks away. He breathes deeply and lets his hand drop back into his lap and Sam waits quietly, giving him time. "I...I t-tried. C-couldn't get it out. S-s-sorry."

"It's okay. He was being a jerk. You didn't do anything wrong."

"S-sorry."

"There's nothing for you to be sorry for. It was his fault."

"St-stupid."

"Dean..." Sam has started down a train of thought that he doesn't know how to broach, but he needs to make sure. "Look, I need to ask you this okay. Jerry was way out of line tonight, but..." he takes a deep breath before continuing, "is that how he talks to you normally when there's no-one else around."

"N-no. B-b-bad day. Girl t-trouble." Dean is struggling to get the words out. Sam has to concentrate on his own breathing not to jump in and interrupt him. "Y-you need t-t-to eat."

"Mmm. You too."

Dean shakes his head. "N-not hungry."

"I thought I'd bring us both a pizza. What type do you want?"

He looks at Dean and just sees exhaustion etched into his features. "Do you want your usual?"

Dean shakes his head.

"They're going to be through with your meds, you should eat something before then."

"H-ham, j-just sm-small."

"Okay, I'll be back soon. Oh, I forgot. I got you these books in town at lunch. Have a look, see what you think."

Dean nods, "Th-thanks."

Sam gets up and on his way out gives Dean's shoulder a quick squeeze. He's relieved that Dean doesn't flinch or pull away because he hadn't thought through what he was doing until it was too late.

He pulls the door closed behind him. He moves away before pulling out his phone to call through the order, then goes to find Jerry. He sees him in another patient's room. He coughs to draw attention to his presence. Jerry excuses himself and joins Sam pulling the door shut behind him.

"Sam, look about earlier. I'm sorry. I was out of line."

Sam stops him, "Listen up very carefully." When they needed menacing on a job, Dean could always act the part better than Sam, but this time Sam didn't need to act. "If I hear you treat any patient like that, I will report you, but if you ever treat my brother like that I will make you sorry, very sorry."

"Sam, I am sorry. I... I can't.. Look, I was wrong, but I didn't mean any harm."

"Do you understand what I am saying?"

"Yes."

"Good." Sam turns away and starts to walk towards the outside door.

"Sam, do you want me to sort you both something to eat?"

"No. I've sorted it."

Sam's gone and Dean's sitting quietly. He reaches over for the books Sam has brought. He looks at the titles and wonders why Sam chose these, they're not exactly what he would have picked for himself, but then he can't remember the last time he read a book for pleasure, in fact he has no idea what he would have picked anyway. "The Great Gatsby", he vaguely remembers starting it in school. He probably moved before he finished it. Charles Dickens' "Great Expectations", a biography of Pierre Trudeau, and some guy's travel journal.

He keeps the F. Scott Fitzgerald to hand and puts the others down. He opens it and starts to read. After a few pages, he's struggling to concentrate and closes his eyes a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose. He hears the door open quietly behind him and he swings his head round to see Jerry.

"Dean, it's just me." He nods acknowledgement.

Jerry notices how he's pinching his nose. "You okay, man?"

Dean just shrugs one shoulder.

"Your head bad?" It gets a nod in response. "You want me to get something for it?"

"M-m-meds s-soon." Dean is repulsed by the effort it takes for the simplest response.

Jerry nods, "Okay, one of the meds should help, I'll get you it early. Look, Dean, I came into apologise for what happened earlier. I was out of line, I'm sorry." Dean waves away the apology, but Jerry continues to talk. Dean sits and listens, book still in his lap, but he makes no furher attempt to speak until Sam returns.

* * *

When Sam returns, he bites his tongue just short of an angry outburst directed at Jerry. He sees Dean is calm but almost grey with exhaustion.

"Dean, you ready to eat?" Even Dean's nod is weary. Sam passes an open pizza box to Dean.

Jerry leaves excusing himself with the explanation that he is fetching Dean's meds. Sam and Dean eat in silence interrupted only by Jerry's brief return. Sam watches Dean as they eat. Dean manages two pieces of his pizza but is a couple of bites into the third piece when he stops. He picks at the topping for a minute or two before closing the lid.

"You don't want any more?" Sam asks.

Dean shakes his head and reaches towards the meds. Sam pushes them closer and asks, "You want some water with them?"

Dean looks round as if he hadn't realised he hadn't already got one. "P-p-please."

Sam gets the water and looks at Dean, who is now staring vacantly at the pills. "You need a hand?"

He can see the tremors in Dean's hand. He doesn't get an answer, but Dean picks up the first of the pills. Sam sees water slosh over the side of the cup he'd brought but Dean manages to take them all slowly.

When he's finished, he rubs his hands over his face as if to try to keep himself awake. Sam leans over and taps him on the arm, "Get ready for bed."

Dean shakes his head. "N-not t-t-time," he says wearily.

"You're tired. Get ready and I'll clear it with them." He pulls Dean's chair away from the table and pushes him toward the bathroom. "Do you need me to help?"

Dean shakes his head and takes over the pushing himself. As he shuts the door, Sam picks up the pizza boxes and the meds containers and takes them out. He can't see Jerry, but he sees one of the other nurses. She smiles and asks if he needs any help. He gives her the rubbish and lets her know Dean is going to bed early. She wishes him a good night after he says that they don't need help.

When he gets back, Dean is perched on the edge of the bed, pulling a t-shirt over his head. Sam sees why Dean's chest hurts. While the wounds are healing, the skin is drawn tight and inflexible as he stretches.

With Dean in bed, Sam dims the lights. Sam moves to sit beside the bed and see that his brother is almost asleep already. He sits there until Dean's breathing is deep and even and he's certain Dean is asleep.

Whilst sitting there, Sam has made a decision. He's going to call work for a couple of days off and he's going to spend that time with Dean. He's going to push Dean as much as he can in the hope it helps.

Sam steps out of the room and pulls his phone from his pocket and calls his boss. She knows the situation, understands more than the doctors. It was her daughter Sam was helping to escape when the final attack on Dean happened. She came to see them when Dean was still out of it in hospital. She'd realised how lucky an escape her daughter had had. Realising Dean was going to be out of action indefinitely, she had offered Sam a job, helped him find somewhere to stay. She had tried to visit Dean but Sam had had to ask her to leave because he wasn't up to meeting strangers. Sam had been embarrassed but she had eased it for him, assuring him it would pass and it didn't reflect badly on Dean.

It doesn't take Sam long on the phone and he is grateful she hasn't asked too many questions. He asks for two days and she tells him to take the week and if he needs longer to just call.

Sam goes back into Dean's room. Seeing he is still asleep, he goes over to sit down on the other side of the room and fishes in his bag for his Dad's journal.

He isn't sure what exactly he is looking for but he's got time on his hands and it is somewhere to start. He vaguely remembers the Pastor teasing Dean about making up for lost time, when he'd been talking non-stop. He'd not really thought about it at the time but now he wonders if maybe Dean had stopped talking before.

He starts at the beginning of the journal and has been reading for a half hour when he finds the first mention of what he is looking for. It isn't much more than a passing comment, "Jim gave me a list of names and numbers, people who might be able to help Dean. Problem is it would tie us down to one place but I don't know how much longer we can go on with him not talking like this." The date of the entry was about five months after the fire. Sam reads on hoping for further enlightment. He figures it says a lot about his dad at the time, that they quite clearly hadn't stayed in one place. He is just about to stop reading as there has been nothing more when he sees, "Heading back to Jim's tomorrow. We'll have to stay there until things are better with Dean. The situation is in danger of affecting Sammy." He reads on, but there is no further mention although it appears that they did spend about seven months based at Pastor Jim's for the most part.

He is wondering how he can find out what happened back then. With Dad, Caleb and the Pastor all dead, it doesn't leave many options. Sam wonders if Bobby was around then. His quiet wonderings are shattered with a shout of "No, Sa-am!" He is out of his seat and at Dean's side instantly.

"Dean." He can see that although his eyes are open, Dean has not thrown off the nightmare completely yet. He rests one hand on his brother's shoulder whilst rubbing the opposite arm, trying to break the hold.

"S-sam."

"Yeah. I'm here. You okay? Do you want to talk about it?"

"S-sorry."

"It's okay. What was it?"

"N-n-nothing. J-just me b-being s-st-stupid." With that, Dean begins to shiver as the sweat from the nightmare cools against his skin.

Sam stands back up and fetches a fresh t-shirt for Dean, helping him change from the sweat soaked one before encouraging him to settle back down.

Seeing Dean delaying laying back down to sleep despite the still obvious weariness, Sam sits alongside and begins to talk quietly about work.

Gradually, Dean seems to relax again, although he hasn't drifted back to sleep, just lies listening to Sam.

Sam is running short of things to say by the time, Dean's eyes become heavy again. He sits quietly beside the bed flicking through Dad's journal, until he is sure that Dean is fully asleep and there is nothing more of use in the journal.

He steps outside the room and checking the time, he calls Bobby. It turns into a profitable phone call as Bobby explains he met them first about four months after the demon had killed Mom. It turns out he hadn't known them well but he did remember that Dean had been largely silent then. The only time he spoke was in relation to things Sam had needed, but also that increasingly over time a stammer had become more evident.

Holding a conversation with him had become virtually impossible. The more anxious he became about stammering, the worse it became. Bobby had explained that at its worst, John had become so anxious that he couldn't keep himself calm enough to help and so Jim had taken over. Bobby then made an offer that gave Sam further hope. He explained that when Caleb and Jim had died, he had taken a lot of their stuff into storage; anything that was related to hunting or hunters. He had come across a few boxes and files about some of the other younger hunters, whose families had at times taken refuge with Jim. He imagined there would be some information about Dean and Sam in there somewhere given the amount of time they had spent with him. Bobby wasn't sure where, what or how useful it would be, but he promises to let Sam know as soon as he finds something.

When Sam goes back into Dean's room, he can hear quiet moans interspersed with mutters from his brother. Moving to his side, he tries to soothe the nightmare without waking him. Once Dean settles again, Sam moves to get ready for bed himself.

Returning from the bathroom, he sees Dean is restless again. Seeing him drenched again in sweat, Sam wakes him up.

"Sam?"

"Yeah, it's me. You okay? You were having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare? It was just a nightmare?"

"Yeah, that's all. How're you feeling now?"

"Don't know. Sam, are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"No, Dean, I'm fine. You were just dreaming."

"Sorry. J-just c-couldn't remember. Got c-confused." Sam notices that the more awake Dean is, the more the stammer returns.

Sam sees him begin to shiver again and says, "Swop that t-shirt, you're drenched and it's making you cold." Instead Dean struggles from the bed into the chair and taking the offered t-shirt, he heads for the bathroom. Sam watches him go and then decides to pull the sheets from the bed and change them with the spare set kept on the shelf.

Hearing the shower turn on, Sam takes the sheets out, where he meets one of the nurses. "Jerry around?" he asks.

"No sorry," she replies, "He's had to go home. Do you need anything? Let me take those. Does he need another set or did Jerry leave some?"

"I've used the spare set."

"Nightmare?"

Sam just nods.

"The guys that did this to him made a real mess, didn't they? That was no ordinary mugging. Is he asleep again or does he need something to help?"

"He's in the shower."

"Oh! Just watch out, he fell the other night in the shower."

"No-one said anything to me."

"Oh, well he was okay afterwards. Well not like straight away, but the following morning. There was no damage done. Look I'll bring through some more sheets and some sleeping pills, then you have them if he wants them. Not that he'll take them usually. So you're Sam, right? Jerry's talked about you. It's unusual to get a brother who would spend as much time here as you do, particularly when apparently no-one else visits him. So your brother, he looks like he was quite cute before, what was he like?"

Sam gives her a long hard stare before answering, "My brother was a good man who didn't deserve what happened to him." Sam cuts off her naive chatter by turning back to go into the room.

"I'll bring the stuff by in a few minutes," she says as she walks away.

Sam is aware instantly of the silence. The shower is no longer running but there are no other sounds from the bathroom either. He waits a couple of minutes but there is still nothing. He knocks and calls. He can't wait any longer when he gets no response, so he opens the door, grateful that for patient safety there is no lock. He sees Dean and feels his heart tearing again. His brother looks lost and broken and Sam goes to him and wraps his arms round him like he hasn't done since he thought he'd died. Sam can feel the sobs that rack Dean's body although he doesn't make a sound.


	8. You can't just ignore it

_**Aftermath**_

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**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

**_Chapter 8 - You can't just ignore it and hope it goes away_**

Dean's back in bed, but he's not asleep yet and Sam is fending off the incessant chatter of the nurse again. She's brought a change of sheets and a pill that will help Dean sleep if he'll take it, she says. She keeps trying to side-step Sam to get into the room to see "poor Dean" as she has taken to calling him. Sam's patience is wearing thin, he doesn't want anyone else around. If Dean's walls are coming down, they can deal with it in private.

"I'm sure you have other stuff you need to be doing," says Sam finally. "You should be getting on. Dean is fine." What they don't need is other people interfering. Eventually, she leaves and Sam closes the door. He's tempted to block the door being opened again but figures it might make things worse with the staff trying to get in to check on Dean later.

He walks back to Dean, dropping the sheets on the shelf on the way. "You want this?" he says, holding the sleeping pill out to Dean.

"N-n-no," comes the reply.

"Okay." Sam puts it on the side. Dean is laid on his side, curled tight and shivering. Sam moves to the other side of the bed. He settles himself against the wall behind Dean, before pulling his brother, unresisting in to his side. He doesn't say anything or ask any of the questions that are burning inside him. Instead he just silently offers Dean support, comfort, warmth. Gradually the shivers cease and Dean relaxes into sleep. That is the sign for Sam to relax as well.

Sam sleeps lightly, wakening at the first sign of Dean being unsettled. With Sam's reassuring presence, Dean makes it through the rest of the night without another major nightmare.

Sam wakes in the morning as Dean carefully tries to get up. Sam stays still and watches without saying anything. He sees Dean reach from the bed to the chair before putting his weight down on his legs. It reminds Sam of the nurse's comments about him falling. Sam feels himself tensing ready to dive forward to catch him if he falls.

Despite that Sam can't reach as Dean's left leg crumples beneath him and he falls away from the bed. Sam moves to help him get back up. "You okay?"

Dean only nods in reply.

"What happened?"

He gets a shrug and watches Dean evade eye contact.

"Dean?"

"L-leg s-st-still asleep."

Sam accepts the answer for now, although he isn't sure if he believes it but he's got to play a waiting game for now. He watches as Dean pushes himself into the bathroom.

When he returns a few minutes later, Dean says, "Y-y-you sh-should hurry. Y-you'll be l-late."

"No need. Week off. I got a holiday."

Dean looks at him and says, "L-l-liar," before turning away.

Sam sighs and leans over and rests his hand on Dean's shoulder. "I've taken a week off to spend some time with you. Thought you might want some company."

"M-money, S-sam. C-can't j-just take t-time off."

"It's okay, I've got enough for now."

"Sh-shouldn't."

"Dean, what do you think is more important to me, you or..." Sam doesn't finish the question as he sees Dean's reaction, "Dean?"

"N-no! Wrong, sh-shouldn't be m-me."

"No, you're wrong." Sam leans forward, pulling Dean's chair closer to him. When Dean still won't look at him, he continues, "Okay, don't look at me but you can't stop me saying it and so you're going to hear it, no matter how much you pretend otherwise. You are a good person, you have saved lives, you put your own life on the line time and time again without hesitating. You finished the demon that killed Mom and Jess and god knows how many others. I'm proud of you and you know what Dad... Dad would be proud of you too."

Sam figures he'd been doing okay until he mentioned Dad, at which point Dean recoils like he's been slapped.

"Dean?" Sam reaches forward, stopping Dean from pulling the chair away. "Dean what? You think he wouldn't be?"

Dean looks like he's going to be sick. "What's this about huh? You think he wouldn't be? Dean you know what happened that night in the cabin..."

The door opens and both men look up at the person entering. "Hey guys," says the nurse, standing there. Dean uses the interruption to free the chair from his brother's grasp. "So Dean, what do you want for breakfast today?" she asks holding out a card with a list of options, not expecting him to give a spoken answer. She gets no response at all.

Sam says, "So you're gonna starve yourself because I've pissed you off, huh?"

Dean's eyes come up slowly to meet his and Sam recognises that it isn't anger in Dean's eyes. "Toast. Can we have some toast but in say a half hour or so?" He's talking to the nurse but his eyes don't leave Dean.

"Sure thing. You need anything else? Dean, you okay getting ready this morning? Will Sam give you a hand?"

Dean nods resigned.

"You want a shave today?"

The look on his face is one that shows the indignity of the question, the knowledge that the question may seem innocuous enough, but is actually tantamount to asking him if he wants to slit his wrists open today or can he be trusted with a razor long enough to actually shave with it."

"Let him have the razor," says Sam, tired of seeing Dean's supposed failings laid bare when no-one knows the truth of who his brother really is.

"You know he's not allowed to close the door while..."

"I know."

She hands the razor to Sam who puts it on the shelf, within Dean's reach, as if to make a point, but even Sam isn't sure what point he's trying to make or who to. He doesn't know whether he's trying to tell her something or Dean, or maybe it's just for his own benefit.

"Half an hour then," she says with a smile for Dean and a disgusted look for Sam as she leaves the room.

"Sorry," says Sam, not certain what else he can say. "I'm sorry, they don't believe me that you don't want to... you know."

Dean says nothing and Sam wants to reach out but doesn't know how, instead he says, "Come on, let's get ready." Dean pushes the chair forward and heads back to the bathroom.

* * *

Sam tags along later in the morning when Dean is having physio, He has never seen anything like it. Dean won't let the guy touch him to help him balance or to show him how the movement should go and Sam is amazed they can work at all. The guy seems friendly enough, unassuming and he's clearly used to working with this reaction from Dean as he describes what Dean should be doing, what it should feel like and he keeps re-iterating that if anything hurts Dean must stop and let him know, point to what hurts if he won't say.

Sam's watching closely and knows Dean is lying, if you can call not speaking lying. Sam knows him well enough to see the agony in his eyes, well-schooled behind concentration. Sam watches long enough to know it's hurting most when he moves his left leg.

Eventually, Sam refuses to watch any longer as Dean continues to hurt himself and says, "Stop! Stop it, Dean. Stop!" as his brother continues with the exercise. If anything he tries to push himself even harder as Sam says stop.

The physiotherapist looks at Sam in surprise. "What? What's the matter?"

"It's hurting him and he's not saying anything."

"Dean. What's hurting?"

Dean just waves it away as if to indicate it's Sam's imagination. Sam can feel a burgeoning anger within him. "Dean, don't lie. It's his left leg and I can't work out, " he states in a loud, angry voice that Dean won't be able to ignore, "why he's being stupid enough not to say anything."

Dean won't meet his eyes.

"Okay. Without the weight on, Dean, show me the movement again." He watches as Dean moves, before saying, "It's not good enough, I need to see it properly, feel it Dean. I'm going to have to hold your leg as you do it to feel what's happening because this shouldn't be hurting by now."

Sam isn't prepared for Dean's reaction as he twists violently away trying to avoid the grasp of the physiotherapist, but Sam manages to catch hold before Dean falls. Steadying himself, he braces Dean's weight and holds his upper body still and watches as the physiotherapist rolls back the leg of Dean's tracksuit. The leg below the knee is black and blue and swollen and Sam gasps in horrified astonishment. "What the...?"

Dean doesn't look at the leg as if by denying its existence, it will vanish but as the physiotherapist gently but firmly probes the leg to find the injury, he buries his head into Sam's arm indicating how much it really hurts. Sam places himself on the bench behind Dean and continues to hold him tight.

The physiotherapist stops and covers the leg up again. He sits in front of  
Dean on the bench. "Okay,' he sighs, "I'm not happy about this, Dean. I don't ask you to talk but I do ask for honesty from you. You want to walk properly again, yet you're willing to risk more damage this way."

"N-n-no. M-mind over m-matter." The physiotherapist looks surprised at both Dean speaking and the sentiment he is expressing.

"No," answers Sam quietly. "Not any more, Dean. And never like this. It's okay to say it hurts. You know something like this is too bad. Dean, you know the difference, you know, so why?"

The physiotherapist stands back, listening but not interrupting, amazed by the conversation unfolding before him.

"J-j-just w-weak."

"No, you're not," Sam answers before looking at the physiotherapist and asking, "What happens now?"

"I need some more information." He leans against the bench in front of Dean. "Has it always been worse than the other leg? I'm assuming the other one is fine?" He reaches forward to check the other leg, there are one or two bruises, but nothing like his left leg.

"L-l-little. N-not bad. B-bad after." Dean is panting with the effort of speaking and the pain still throbbing from the pressure the physiotherapist had applied.

"After what?" Sam prompts.

"F-fell."

"When?"

"M-morning. Don't know, maybe t-two weeks now."

The physiotherapist shakes his head. "Two weeks? Shit, what are you a masochist? Two weeks! This must be agony. Okay, it's too bad to just ignore. Believe me, I need to know more. I'm going to have to send you down the hospital for x-rays."

"N-no. NO!"

Sam speaks gently. "You need this bro, it's not a choice."

"N-no. N-not safe. G-got to stay here. S-safe here. Y-you said, s-safe here."

"It'll be safe. I'll come with you. Nothing bad will happen."

In the end, they have to sedate Dean under the guise of a painkiller to get him calm enough for a transfer to the hospital. They don't knock him out though because Sam won't let them. Sam doesn't leave his side until they are ensconced in the X-ray Department. Sam is relieved that they take Dean straight in for x-rays with no waiting. From there everything flows quickly. It appears that at some point the still healing break has re-fractured and so they knock Dean out and take him into surgery to reset the leg. Sam sits alone waiting for news, still finding it hard to believe that Dean could have been so stupid.


	9. Support on all sides

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

**Author's Apology** - to anyone who read the misposted chapter 7 - happy shopping (they'll get the ref) and sorry - it's all corrected now, in case you missed it.

* * *

**Chapter 9 - Support on all sides**

Even with the help, it had taken Bobby hours to locate the files on the Winchesters. In fact it was probably a good job Jordan had been helping otherwise he'd have left without half the stuff. If it wasn't for the fact that Jordan and he had both found a file on Sam at the same time but in different boxes, Bobby would have left with the first file he found on each. Jordan had also put on one side any files he found with his own name on, but when they'd packed the truck, he'd just put his files on the bed he'd been sleeping on for the last few weeks and walked away.

Bobby is driving now and Jordan is sifting through the information in Dean's file. Bobby had tried to stop him by suggesting it was an invasion of Dean's privacy, but Jordan had just laughed and said he and Dean were as good as brothers and there was nothing they didn't already know really. He knows when they met that Dean was virtually silent, he remembers the stammer and the fights with other kids, in particular Brandon.

"Brandon..." says Bobby, "I forgot that. Wasn't he just a bundle of joy round you three? I seem to remember you spending a fair amount of time being punished when he was around. How many black eyes did you give him exactly?"

"Not as many as you think or he claimed. Oh, and nowhere near the number he deserved. Brandon was a spoilt bastard."

"Why couldn't you and he get on? He was nearer your age than Dean."

"He was a shit and anyway, if anyone had spent any time looking they would have seem him picking on Sam and Dean. The best day was when Dean gave him two black eyes and a real bleeder for a nose. Even if I did get the blame because no-one would believe that Dean could do it then. Brandon blamed me rather than suffer the indignity of having been worked over by Deano even after he owned up."

"How old were you all then?"

"I guess Deano would have been about 7, would have made me 11 and the bastard about 13, maybe even 14."

"No doubt you cheered Dean on?"

"No doubt."

"Jordan, you do realise Dean is in a care home right now? That things aren't good with him? He's..."

"Bobby, you really think I'm that shallow. This is Dean we're talking about, you think after all this time, I wouldn't be willing to be there for him. When Sam left... oh look it doesn't matter. I'm coming with you whatever."

"From what Sam says, he's not in a good way. We might not be able to see him. He... Jordan, are you listening to me?"

"Holy Crap!"

"What?"

"Did you know he carried Sam out of the original fire?"

"Yeah."

"He was fucking four!"

"And his Dad was trying to save his mom."

"He never really let go of him either."

"What do you mean, lad?"

"I mean, he always looked out for Sam above everything else. That's how Brandon ended up with the shiners. Now I kind of understand why he was so angry then and why..." his voice peters out. He's not sure whether Bobby knows what happened when Sam first left.

"Why what Jordan?"

"Nothing."

"Whatever. You're probably right though. He's got himself stuck in the whole protect Sam thing, even when Sam outgrew him. So is there anything else in there?"

"God knows."

Bobby knows that Dean and Jordan share an introspective streak, hidden behind the masks of devil may care attitude and daring bravado. It is probably what had drawn Jordan to want to be with the younger boys rather than with Brandon when they were kids. He wonders if Jordan knows he'd made the right choice then. Brandon is back languishing in prison again anyway, as opposed to Dean who is...

"Stop the truck a minute, please." Bobby is surprised at the tone of Jordan's voice. He pulls over and watches as the younger man gets out and heads into the wood.

Bobby turns off the engine and waits. As the time ticks by and Jordan doesn't return, he gets out to look for him. He hasn't gone far and Bobby soon finds him leaning against a tree with his eyes closed.

"Come on Jordan, let's get moving."

He recognises the signs of self-recrimination even before Jordan speaks. "I should have called him, but it was his turn to call me. I held out waiting for him to call me. All this time, I waited and he couldn't, could he? What's the point in having a check-in, if I don't do anything when he doesn't?"

"But you can help now."

"Yeah, whatever." He rises and walks slowly back to the truck. He stops just short of the truck and turns to Bobby. Piercing blue eyes and blond hair, it is easy to imagine there is no depth behind the image but so wrong. "Why does life screw the same people over repeatedly? He doesn't deserve it, neither of them deserves this. Aren't there enough people around that it could be shared out?"

"You know it's not like that."

"He didn't deserve it!"

"Nobody does. Now come on, let's get going. Finish those files for me - anything about his speech, hook it out."

* * *

The receptionist looks up as the door opens to see two men walking in. They are quite an odd pair. The old man looks scruffy and unkempt, whilst the younger man is tall, blond and ... well, she is supposed to be working, not ogling visitors. There is something about him though that definitely draws the eye, like the guy who's usually down in room 12. She wants nothing more than to see him smile, because she's certain he'd look stunning, and his brother is... no she definitely has enough work to do not to be thinking down those lines.

"Can I help you, gentlemen?" she asks and is thrilled to get a huge smile from the blond.

"I sure hope so, miss," he replies. "We've come to see my cousin, Dean Winchester. Would that be possible?"

The manners, the easy way of talking and he's not arrogant and... she really needs to get her mind back on track. God, the cousin of the guy in room 12 and she'd just been thinking about him. That family had one hell of a set of genes. "Ummm..." not quite the response she wants to give to impress him.

"Dean Winchester, miss. We've come quite a way, we were hoping to see him. Is it possible or...?"

"Yes.. no... I mean..." she takes a breath and tries again, "Dean isn't here right now. They've taken him back down to the hospital. We're waiting to hear what's happening and whether he'll be back or not today."

It was like a light turning off. The cold eyes on her now are frightening after the warmth. She finds herself stammering under the glare, "He-he had some problems with his leg this morning, they've sent him for x-rays. The last call said he was going into surgery."

"Does Sam know?"

"Sam's with him."

"Where's the hospital?"

She gives directions and the blond turns to stalk away. The old man stops him with a hand to the chest, then steps forward to speak. "Thank you miss. Sorry about my nephew's rudeness. He's just worried about his cousin."

"That's okay. So, if he's your nephew, Dean and Sam must be..."

" My nephews also. Two younger sisters, more than any man deserves," he smiles. "Thank you for your help."

* * *

Jordan is out of the car as they pass the entrance to the hospital, leaving Bobby to find a parking space. Bobby realises that he hadn't known how much the boys had come to rely on one another, pleased in a way that the firm friendships he'd had with Jim, Caleb and even John between disagreements was being echoed now in the younger generation of hunters. He'd always worried for these three in particular that they'd grown up so isolated from the real world, so immersed into the world of hunting that they'd had no time to develop normal friendships and as the older hunters who linked them died off, so they would drift further from each other.

* * *

"Sam!" Sam turns round at the sound of his name, surprised to see Jordan there, even more surprised when Jordan embraces him quickly then asks, "How is he?"

"I don't know. I'm waiting to hear. He's in surgery right now."

"What happened?"

"Umm. I don't really know. D'you mean now or before?"

"Both, I guess. I'm sorry Sam, I would have come sooner, if..."

"I didn't... He hasn't really been..."

"Sam, we're here. We'll help. Whatever you need, just say."

"We?"

"Bobby and me."

"Oh. Did he... He was going to look out some stuff for me."

"We found all we could. Bobby will bring it in, he's parking the truck. There is loads of stuff and I didn't have chance to get through all of it on the drive down. I hope we've found enough though."

* * *

With Dean out of surgery, but asleep again, his leg reset and plastered, Sam figures he can take Jordan and Bobby back to his apartment so they can stay there. He is still going to stay with Dean and he's got a bit of time while they decide whether to keep him in overnight.

"You can take Sam's bed, old man. I'll have the couch," Jordan says coming back into the main room.

"And what about Sam?" says Bobby.

"Trust me, Sam isn't actually _living_ here."

Sam looks up at him in surprise, wondering what he means. Jordan laughs, the easy heartening laugh he grew into in his late teens. "Well, bro, see you might be Stanford smart, as Dean always tells me, " He tousles Sam's hair like he used to when they were kids, "but I know that when you open the fridge and you can smell the milk, it's not a good thing. As for when you shake the carton and it doesn't move, it is a _really_ bad thing. Now I never had you pegged as a clean freak, but equally, I never thought you'd be that bad, so using my hunter's powers of deduction, you've been spending all your time with Dean and using the 'I'm a poor Sammy, look after me' look on the nurses to get fed up there. Am I right?"

"More or less."

"And I'm further deducing that just 'cos we're here that's not going to change so... ta da."

"Yeah. If you don't mind..."

"Seriously though, I'll take the floor. I've slept on far worse, believe me, and in some places I've paid for the honour and they've called it a bed."

"No. Like you said, I'd already planned to stay with Dean. He..." Sam doesn't know whether he should say anything more.

"Sam, Dean needs you right now, we get that, more than he would normally. We understand and it's no big thing. It's all good, okay?"

Sam nods.

"Tell us what you want to, when you want to. It's between us... family or as good as we've got. If we ask something and you don't want to talk about it, tell us."

Bobby is impressed at the way Jordan handles Sam, trying to allay his worries.

"I'll drive you back if you like. First let me have your cell, I'll put my number in, then you can let us know what's happening or if you need anything."

Sam hands over his phone and looks at Bobby, who has started speaking. "While I think about it. We called in at the place you told me, that's how we knew where you were. We told them, he was your cousin and I'm uncle to all of you. Apparently, I had two younger sisters."

Sam figures he ought to be saying something, "Thank you."

Bobby replies, "Like the surfer boy says, we're as close as we get to family."

Jordan hands back the phone and a slip of paper. "What's...?" says Sam.

"You give me a phone and I'll put my number in, you give me a gadget for controlling the space shuttle and I'll give you my number on a piece of paper."

Sam nods, "I should find Dean's phone, we should put it in there too."

"It's okay, he's got it already. Let's go." Jordan says nothing more.

"I should... there's no food... milk...erm.. I should..."

"You should get in the truck, Sam and let's get back to Dean. Bobby can make use of his finely honed hunting skills too you know. I'm sure he'll be able to find the shop we passed at the end of the street. Now get in the truck Sammy," and with that he gives Sam a gentle push towards the door.

"It's Sam now," Sam says it without really thinking, a reflex.

"I know," Jordan walks out with a grin. **_"You_** stopped thinking you were Sammy when you were 13. I remember it."

* * *

**Author's Note:** For anyone thinking Jordan seems familiar, you're right, I used him in 'As Close as Family' but have changed his familiarity with the Winchesters and probably made him a bit younger than he was in that.


	10. Coming round

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

**Chapter 10 - Coming round**

Dean can hear Sam's voice before he wakens fully. He's talking to someone and Dean kind of recognises that voice too. He tries to roll over to block out the noise. When he realises he can't, he opens his eyes instead. He sees Sam hovering by the bed and he can tell there's someone behind Sam, just next to the door. He hasn't focussed enough to be able to tell who it is, knows it's probably Jerry.

"Hey Dean, you with me now?"

Dean blinks a couple of times, trying to focus on Sam. Sam smiles at him encouragingly. Dean feels a bit better as things begin to focus easier. He looks from Sam to the man behind him, realising he isn't in his room and the man isn't Jerry. Concern crosses his features.

"Dean, we've got a visitor."

Definitely not Jerry then. Concern raises a notch, begins to turn to fear, Sam sees it in his eyes.

"Dean, listen to me, we're at the hospital, do you remember? It's okay. It's just..." Sam touches his shoulder trying to bring his attention from the figure by the door as the fear begins to take control.

The figure moves forward, Dean can see it looks like it's... panic is setting in now because it can't be...

"...Jordan," Sam finishes and Dean knows he can't deny it any longer. It doesn't just look like Jordan, it is Jordan and he's going to be pissed because Dean was supposed to phone him weeks ago and he knows that Jordan is going to see all the faults in the plan that brought him to hospital in the first place as well as he's going to know how pathetic Dean is, Dean who can't walk or talk properly.

"Hey Dean," is all Jordan says as he approaches the bed. Seeing the panic on his friend's face, he sits down on the edge of the bed and says, "It's okay, we **are** okay."

Dean closes his eyes, exhausted at the mere thought of what is to come, what it means if Jordan is here. He wishes Jordan knew what he was talking about before he said it was okay, he wishes they were going to be okay. In fact more than anything else, he wishes everything wasn't such a goddamned mess.

"Come on dude, I ain't going anywhere so you may as well open your eyes." Dean opens his eyes again, this time focusing on Jordan. "Trust me, we are okay."

Dean doesn't react, he knows it's not like he can change anything so he'll just wait for now, wait until it all falls apart.

* * *

Just over twenty-four hours later, Sam is sat next to Dean alone, but back in Dean's own room and Dean is asleep again. Just when he thought they were making progress, Dean is closed off and silent again. Sam knows the painkillers he's on are pretty strong and can account for a good portion of the sleep but he's got a feeling there's more to it than that.

Dean's eyes open and focus unerringly on Sam.

"Hey, it's good to see you are awake."

Sam gets no response at all, as Dean just continues to look at him. He helps him sit up and position himself. "Look, I'm sorry if you're pissed at me about my part in your going to hospital but you had to go and I wouldn't let them knock you out. I thought it would be better if you knew what was happening. Anyway like I said, I'm sorry"

Dean blinks and Sam is under no illusion that it's anything other than just a normal blink.

"Dean, you haven't said anything to me at all since..." He sits on the edge of the bed. "Dean, I am sorry. Will you ever be able to forgive me?"

Dean wearily reaches for Sam's hand and traces a Y on his palm.

"Will we be alright?"

Another Y but still no sound.

"Dean, talk to me, please," Sam knows he's begging.

This time he gets an N on his palm and a shake of the head.

"Let me help, talk to me, tell me what I can do to help."

Dean just shakes his head.

"Is it about Jordan being here? Is that why you're pissed with me?"

Dean knows he hasn't got the energy to be pissed at Sam, more than that he's wondering why Sam called Jordan, why Jordan bothered coming, why Jordan has said they're okay when he doesn't know what Dean let happen, how close it was to other people being hurt, not just Dean. This time Dean traces, "NO" on Sam's palm.

"Dean..." Sam takes hold of his brother's hands, holding them firmly. "You were doing well, we can get through this together, you and me. If you want me to ask Jordan not to come by, I will or to leave, I will. I can do whatever makes you feel best." Sam hasn't even mentioned that Bobby is here too as he has a terrible feeling that will make Dean's reaction even worse.

Dean can see how much Sam wants to help, wants to fix everything and it's tearing him apart inside because Sam doesn't deserve this goddamned mess.

Sam can see Dean is distressed and reaches one hand up towards his brother. He sees Dean flinch away, then flush with embarrassment. Dean reaches out for Sam trying to bridge the gap he's made. Sam offers his hand and Dean grasps it, even as his head drops and, as the tears begin to fall, Sam moves closer.

Sam has no idea what's going on, one minute he's certain they're getting somewhere, the next they're heading backwards. Right now, Dean is trying to make himself not mind the physical contact. Sam can see that as much as he doesn't want it, Dean actually needs it. Once past the initial flinching away and tensing, Dean begins to relax although there is still a part of him that's fighting it. Sam remembers what happened with him, Dean and Dr Ellicott, and in the cabin with Dad, even the shapeshifter that had taken Dean's form. Between them and the Demon have they robbed Dean of the ability to trust that what he saw was ever real.

"Dean, what can we do? What do you need?"

Dean's got no answer to that, he doesn't know what he needs, doesn't know how to get through this or over it. It's all he can do just to keep breathing most of the time. He doesn't know where the tears come from and he doesn't know how to make it all easier for Sam when he can't even open his mouth without risking garbled nonsense coming out. He knows the stammer is just going to keep on getting worse.

Dean remembers how bad it was, how difficult it was to get people to understand what he was saying. He remembers kids laughing at him, Brandon... he remembers Brandon taking the piss and Jordan being here just makes it worse because Jordan knows what Brandon used to do. It'll all be even worse now because he's an adult and he can already imagine the looks he'll get when he walks into a bar or a store or a gas station or a motel or... the list is endless. Endless places for people to turn and stare and recognise his stupidity, his inability to do even a simple thing like talking without messing it all up.

* * *

Dean is staring at the fish again, eyes not moving anywhere, barely even blinking and Sam is watching Dean. Jordan is reading on the other side of the room. Dean no longer reacts too badly when Jordan enters the room, which Sam thinks is a good thing because he doesn't want to leave this shell of Dean alone and if Jordan can enter the room without Dean panicking, then Sam can leave them together, take a break, go to talk to Bobby or the staff and Dean isn't alone.

"Dean?" Sam isn't expecting a response but it doesn't stop him talking to Dean. "I'm going now. Jordan is staying here with you, okay? I'm going to meet with your doctor and everyone. They're going to let me know how they're going to help you now." With one last sad, but resigned look, Sam stands and moves to the door.

When the door closes behind him, Jordan looks up from what he's been reading, putting it down on the table and moves to Sam's vacated seat by the bed. He leans forward resting his elbows on the bed. "I've been thinking... no don't let's make jokes about my intelligence now; I'm being serious. Now see this whole not talking thing, I think I get bits of it, not all mind, just bits. You don't talk to the staff because they're strangers, you're worried they're going to judge you by the stammer. What you're not considering is they're paid to help you and they can only do that if they know what's up and if you let them..." He pauses as if giving Dean time to consider his words, then continues, "Then there's me... I figure there's probably two possibilities there. The first you're pissed with me for being here and you don't want me here, so fine, I'll go. Unless you let me know otherwise, when Sam gets back I'll go... if that's what you want..." Dean's hand closes round his wrist holding his arm down to the bed. "Fine, I'll stay, which means it isn't that. So the other possibility I worked out is that you think I'm pissed at you, so why would you think that? Because you didn't call me for our check-in? Tell you what I forgive you, after all you've been ill. Shoulda got Sam to do it. Then again, maybe you should be pissed at me, after all it kinda makes me look like a jerk actually if you put a bit of thought into it. The point of us having a check-in is to know we're both okay, so if you don't check-in, I ought to be thinking something's up with Dean and trying to track you down. So, Deano, I'd be the one at fault there. Or I suppose I could be pissed that you didn't call me beforehand for something so important, an extra pair of hands might have been useful but we live and learn, huh?"

Jordan goes quiet again for a moment, just watching Dean. "There is actually one other really vague possibility and I know it can't be that, even you are not stupid enough to think that I would laugh at you; that I would even think it mattered..."

When Dean's eyes flick from the fish to Jordan and then he turns his head away towards the window, Jordan knows he's hit the one. "That's stupid, Deano, and you know it. If it didn't bother me when we were kids, why the hell would it now?... And what about Sam? Is that the same? ... Well?... No, of course you're not going to tell me that, why would you? You're the strong, silent type, either that or you're an idiot. Did you know as a kid, I know you were younger than me and stuff, but I envied you how silent you could be, never was able to work out how you kept it up? I tried it a few times, but I could never do it. Did you know that?"

He continues without waiting for a response, "Someone would say something and I'd forget I wasn't talking and answer them or we'd all be at Pastor Jim's and I swear the old man knew what I was trying to do and so he'd miss me out when it came to dessert, so I'd have to remind him. Hell, I wasn't going to risk missing out on the good stuff the Pastor used to serve up when we were all there. But you... it never seemed to bother you, the whole missing out thing... Not that the Pastor ever missed you out, he always looked out for you... mind you, someone had to. The only thing that ever got you to speak was Sammy. If he needed something, it was different. Well I'm going to tell you something for free, Deano. Sammy still needs you. He is worried sick because you're not speaking, you're hardly eating, you're barely existing here Dean. Have you thought what this is doing to him?"

For the first time, Dean's eyes swing round to meet Jordan's and stay there. "Come on, Dean. He's your brother, don't do this to him." Jordan can see the sadness in Dean's eyes, knows he's being far harder on his friend than Dean deserves, but equally he knows that before anyone can help Dean, they've got to get him talking, get him acknowledging what is wrong at least, however, hard it might be.

"Dean..."

Dean's eyes are haunted, Jordan hears him take short, panting breaths, then he opens his mouth and says "C-c-c-c-can't k-k-k-keep h-h..." He stops, giving in and turning away again.

Jordan understands the struggle although he has no idea what Dean wanted to say. He remembers when they were kids in Pastor Jim's treehouse, just him and Dean, playing a variation of a game Pastor Jim had devised to help Dean. "Dean, do you remember the tree house at Pastor Jim's? Do you remember that thing the Pastor used to get you to do with your breathing? Remember deep in, out, deep in, out, deep in, then say the word as you breathed out. Do you remember how we used to practise in the treehouse, changed it a bit and used all the 'bad' words I could come up with? Why don't we try it again, you know when no-one else is around?"

Dean's eyes come back to meet Jordan's. Jordan decides to take it as an affirmative. "Good, I figure we could start with 'Sam', reminds us why we are going to crack this. What do you reckon? I'm guessing we're probably passed the age of practising swearing, but hey, I'm cool with that, if you want to do it!"

Dean gives the barest nod of assent before Jordan says, "Ready, in slow, follow me, out, wait..., in again, slow Dean remember and out, last time in and Sam" Jordan can't believe how difficult Dean is finding it to slow his breathing down, even as he listens to him struggle with "S-s-s" before giving up and turning away again.

"Deano, you've got more staying power than that. You can't tell me you were expecting it to vanish completely the first time you tried. Dude, you know better than that... come on..."

* * *

Sam returns a little more than an hour and a half later to see Dean asleep again and Jordan reading. At some point Dean's bed has been dropped back to horizontal. The other startling change is that Dean is holding onto Jordan's arm as he has taken to doing with Sam's after a nightmare.

Jordan says quietly, "Sam, we need to talk." He puts the book down and goes to lift Dean's hand away.

Sam stops him saying, "Can it wait a half hour?" Jordan shrugs acquiescence. "They're going to be through for him and do everything in here, physiotherapy, check-ups."

"I could give Bobby a ring if you like he could get here in that time and the three of us could talk properly. It's up to you, but the old guy is a diamond in the rough, he might be helpful."

Sam nods, then stops Jordan, getting up with the words, "I'll call Bobby. Stay there, don't disturb him yet."

* * *

When he comes back in, Dean is sat up, one hand worrying at the sheet, the other at the neck of his t-shirt, the expression on his face agitated.

"See dude, I told you, Sam's fine, just making a call," Jordan says calmly.

Sam sees a flush of embarrassment join the gleam of sweat over his brother's face. "Okay, bro?" He picks up yet another t-shirt on his way to Dean's side, holding it out. Sam can't believe how often they go through this process as Dean's anxiety levels tear him apart. Dean takes the t-shirt and drops his head and eyes to watch as his fingers tangle and twist in the fabric.

"You want a hand?" He catches the barest glimpse as Dean's eyes flick furtively to Jordan before returning to focus on his lap. "Jordan, would you give us a minute? I need to talk to Dean."

"Sure, I'll go check out the nurses in this joint," he grins suggestively, as he stands and makes for the door. "Later, dudes."

Dean changes t-shirt as soon as Jordan leaves and Sam realises he hadn't wanted Jordan to see his injuries.

Sam takes advantage of the moment's quiet solitude. He moves onto Dean's bed. He wants to bring Dean's eyes to his, so he can be sure that Dean knows how important what he has to say is. He makes do with lifting one of Dean's hands. "No more secrets, Dean. No more."

Dean nods unhappily.

"They're coming through in a minute. They're going to check you over, do some physiotherapy. All the usual stuff, but in here for now, okay?"

Another nod, but Dean's eyes stay focussed on Sam this time. "Do you want me to stay while they are here?"

There is a lengthy pause before Dean shakes his head.

"Fine, I'll go check on Jordan, make sure he isn't causing too much havoc with the nurses."

Seeing anxiety flare in Dean's eyes, he continues, "I'll stay until they get here though. You know, there's something else, Bobby is here. He'd like to come and see you. How would you feel about that? Maybe later? You don't have to decide now."

They sit in silence for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts but surprisingly thinking of the same thing. Dean is trying to breathe deep and slow breaths, because Jordan reminded him it helped when he was a kid. Then, when he concentrated on the breathing and got it right, the stammer used to be less, but right now he can't keep control. Every time he gets it under control, his thoughts wander to the Demon or Sam being hurt or himself fucking up again or the Demon coming or the Demon and what it said and his breathing gets quicker, shorter and he's gasping again. Sam is listening to Dean's breathing continually changing. He hears him trying to control it and wonders what is stopping it being easy.

"There's nothing here, Dean. It's all safe," he says.

Dean looks at him.

"Do you want me to stay? Will it help?"

Dean shakes his head, grasps Sam's hand and tries to give a reassuring squeeze and a forced smile before he lets go.

Sam smiles back and says "I won't go far away." Dean nods, but the smile has already vanished.


	11. Piecing it all together

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

**Chapter 11 - Piecing it all together**

The doctor is with Dean and he's explaining what has happened and what is going to happen when Sam leaves. Sam's already had the explanations. He's made a half-hearted complaint that Dean's injury had gone unnoticed for so long and what would have happened if he hadn't been there. He's made the complaint but he also knows just how well Dean can hide injuries. He knows how good you have to be to really read Dean. It's not easy. It's taken him years of practice and he's sure he's still missing half of it.

On his way past reception, the woman behind the counter calls to him, "Sam. Your cousin asked me to tell you, he's out in the gardens."

Thanking her, Sam heads for the door. As he gets to the door to the garden, he remembers how thrilled he was the day he got Dean this far. He wonders where the elation went, everything just feels like a mess again.

He hears voices as he walks down the path, recognises them as Jordan's and Bobby's. He wonders why they had to sit here of all places. Jordan stands and comes over to him as he approaches, "You okay, Sam? Is Dean alright?"

Sam nods, not trusting himself to speak yet as he remembers Dean sitting here, admitting failure, admitting he could no longer protect Sam, struggling to speak, to breathe.

"Sam?"

He swallows, trying to clear his throat, trying to force the emotions back under, wonders how Dean's managed it for so long. "He's in with the doctor. He's managing, I said I'd go back and check on him again soon."

"We'd better get talking then. What's been happening?"

Sam sits down, puts his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Jordan moves to sit beside him, resting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Tell us, Sam, what happened to him?"

Sam breathes deeply before he starts, "He tracked down the demon. I went to see a friend for a couple of days and when I got back, he had the information and a bit of a plan. We worked on it... the plan... eventually we decided it was workable, so we grabbed what we needed and went in quick. There were people being hurt. We had to move fast."

Sam is only vaguely aware of Jordan's hand on his shoulder. "What happened, Sam?"

"We had to fight our way in. The demon wasn't alone. There were people there, some possessed, some prisoners. Dean was in front, we were carrying as much as we could and we'd memorised exorcisms." Sam paused for breath, trying to collect himself as the memory threatens to overwhelm him.

"Sam, it's okay now."

Sam shakes his head and continues talking, "Dean spotted the first one who was possessed. He signalled and went in, tried to take the body down so that it would reduce the damage caused as the demon inside fought back. I did the exorcism. It worked kind of..."

"What do you mean 'kind of'?" Bobby is silent, trusting Jordan to ask the questions for now.

"The person had injuries from before, like Meg, but not that bad." Sam's eyes come up to meet Bobby's, who nods and Sam continues, "He struggled to hold him still. When it was over, Dean was alright... I thought he was alright... He'd had a few knocks, some bruises, I guess. But I suppose it was wearing on his energy too. He had me help the guy get outside. He stayed, went on, freed some prisoners. When I came back, I pointed them outside and caught him up. There was another guy... possessed, you know again... Dean tried to do the same thing. We did it but Dean was thrown, he landed badly, it winded him but he fought his way back between the guy and me. He looked awful... Dean... he was pale, shaken but he didn't pause, just kept on going. It worked but Dean didn't look good, but we had to keep going. We didn't have a choice, we... we couldn't give the Demon chance to regroup, time to hurt more people... Dean said..." Sam's voice doesn't sound sure, even to himself, he sounds defensive.

Jordan says quietly, "You both did what you had to do. There were no choices."

Sam shakes his head. "It was getting too much, but he wouldn't swop places with me. He was hurt but..."

"Sam." Jordan's hand is firm against Sam's shoulder. He waits for Sam to look at him, "We know Dean, we know what Dean is like. We know you both did what you had to."

"There was this girl, she'd been missing for a couple of weeks. She was one of the people who had drawn Dean's attention to what was happening, my boss' daughter. Anyway, we found her, she was in a bad way. We got her loose, but she couldn't stand on her own, she could barely walk with my help... she was..." Sam swallows trying to control the vicious onslaught of memories. He shakes his head trying to clear the image of the girl from his head, knowing there is worse to remember. "I helped her out and I left Dean... I've thought it over and over. I don't know how I could have done it differently, but I should never have left him there alone. I moved her as quickly as I could but it took too long... Dean was alone for too long..."

"Sam, you did all you could."

Sam's voice is angry when he replies, "He's my brother, it wasn't enough. Have you seen him? Have you seen the fucking mess he's in?"

"Sam, no."

"Dean shouldn't have to face this, not again, it's not right," Sam's voice is breaking as Jordan's hand stays steady on his shoulder."

"Tell us."

"I don't know... I wasn't there... I only saw the end... I wasn't there when he needed me..."

"Sam, tell us what you saw."

"He was pinned against the wall, like the night in the cabin, there was blood... god so much blood... it was pouring from his chest, his leg, his mouth and nose. One leg was twisted all wrong. The demon... the demon was leant in close to him, whispering into his ear, laughing as it tormented him. I don't ... I don't know what it said but I could see Dean's face, Dean's eyes. Whatever it said, it was killing him. I shouted, it turned slightly. Dean moved, God only knows how. He plunged this knife into its chest and he started to say an exorcism, but it wasn't one I knew or I'd seen. I'm sure it wasn't one of the ones we'd learnt. I think... I think it was older, but I don't know where he found it, why he found it even. I'd never seen the knife before either..." Sam is gulping for air as he pauses. "The police... the police said afterwards that Dean was trouble, he'd gone in looking for a fight, they wanted to charge him with murder but the hospital delayed it because he wasn't conscious. By the time he regained consciousness, enough of the people we had got out had been able to give evidence that they dropped the murder charge but they still think he's done something wrong. The hospital and here have refused to let the police in to speak to him, saying he isn't up to it. He isn't... They said to me a couple of days ago, the police will come in regardless in a few days. He doesn't know... I can't tell him this... He can't take it not on top of ... all of this. How am I going to... what am I going to do?"

Bobby speaks up now, "Sam, we'll head them off. You keep the doctors saying no, you say no and I'm sure that in those files there will be something that says I'm a legal guardian for you both. Now I know you're both older than that now but it's more weight, more power to stop them."

"Guardian?"

"Mmm."

"Why?"

"Okay, look, at times, your Dad, and Jordan's for that matter, lost sight of what was important and so Jim made..."

Sam interrupts, "What do you mean 'lost sight of what was important'?"

"Sam," Jordan speaks quietly, but firmly, "Your Dad and mine forgot that they weren't just hunters, they were fathers as well..."

"Dad was..."

"Sam!" Jordan remains calm but firm, "Be honest with yourself. It's not idle criticism, it's the truth. It wasn't about why, or whether he cared, it was that you two, like me, got left alone in motels, sometimes way longer than was safe or healthy. I know Bobby fished me out of Children's Services' clutches..."

"Caleb..." Sam's voice is quiet now.

"Yes."

"Jim..."

"Sam, Jim gave a few of us papers, so that whoever was closest could get to you **if** needed."

"Did Dad know?"

"Yeah... He argued with Jim about it... but he was glad enough of it when one of you fell ill or got into trouble."

"You think it'll work now?"

"I don't know, but if we can get the doctor to say he's currently not able to make decisions, then you as next of kin and possibly me as a legal guradian may be able to make decisions on his behalf."

"You want me to have him declared incapable of making a decision on his own..." Sam's voice echoes with horror.

"Temporarily yes... if it keeps the wolves from his door. Do you want to be visiting him in a prison hospital instead of here?"

"No but..."

It's Jordan who changes the subject, recognising the impending fall out, figuring leaving Sam to mull it over might be better. "Tell me about his injuries."

"He had both legs broken, bruising and swelling round his ribs, deep lacerations internal and external to the chest area, other bruises and cuts and whatever it did to stop him being able to talk."

"It probably didn't need to do anything specific. It's the cumulative effect, " Jordan says, fairly confident that he remembers hearing Pastor Jim talk about why Dean didn't talk when they were kids.

"What do you mean?"

"When your mom died and Dean stopped talking. It was like a combination of stress, anxiety, fear, whatever... The only time he spoke was if you needed something. Whenever he could he used single words for that. The longer he went without speaking, the more he struggled to speak when he needed to and the stammer got worse the longer he spent worrying about needing to speak. The more he worried, the worse it became. I think that's what's happening now. It is really bad now... as bad as it ever was when we were kids, if not even worse."

"He talked to you?"

"No, he tried and gave up. I think I got him to agree to do some of the exercises that I remember him doing with Jim with me. We tried one while you were out but he's easily discouraged. When it didn't work, he just gave up, which isn't like him. The other thing is he tires easily, we couldn't do much before he was too tired."

"I think it's the painkillers he's on now. That and he doesn't sleep for long without waking up or at least his sleep is disturbed."

"Nightmares... Has that been ever since...?"

"Yeah. It's not so bad, when he's got someone with him. It's just not like him."

"Sam," Bobby tries to sound reassuring, despite his own doubts about what is happening, "A lot has happened. Give him time."

"No! There's more to it but I don't know what. Before this latest injury I'd got him to speak, not much but a bit you know. I managed to get him out of that room, stop him staring at the fucking fish. That's not Dean. It's not what he should be like."

"Sam, it'll be okay. We'll get him there. We'll find a way round it all."

"You don't understand," Sam is desperate to make them understand, to make them see why this is all so wrong, "I got him to speak and all he did was apologise, apologise and tell me we need to be safe. **I** need to be safe. Dean doesn't say sorry, he... he..."

"He does something to show he's sorry, " Jordan finishes for Sam.

"Yeah. He is obsessed with what is safe, **where** is safe. I got him to come and sit here but it took time, because he wouldn't come out of the building."

"Okay, if we piece it together. Dean still thinks there's danger and that he is worried he can't keep safe. Is he worried about you or himself?" Bobby asks.

"Both, I guess."

"Okay. What is it that he is apologising for?"

"Failing. Not keeping me safe. He keeps telling me I should leave but he can't or won't say why. He pulls away, flinches when anyone goes near him or tries to touch him and then he apologises. He seems to think I should hate him."

"Right the first thing is to try and find a way for him to feel safe... a subtle way. You say he's safe here but not the rest of the garden. Why here?" Jordan looks round but can't see anything that looks like it would make a difference.

"Herbs."

"What?" Jordan looks round again, then shrugs, "Well I don't know the first thing about herbs, didn't know Dean did either. You'll have to give me some clues here, Sam."

"I can't. I don't know anything about herbs. I asked him but he thought I was making fun of his stammer."

"Probably knew you weren't," says Bobby, who has stood up and is walking round looking at the plants. "Probably too hard to explain, or it's whatever his reason is for not telling you in the first place."

"Bobby? You know about herbs?"

"Some, not as much as Dean probably does though. It was more Jim's thing."

"Why would Dean...?"

"Dean used to spend time in the garden with Jim. Jim knew all about plants... plants for cooking, plants for healing, plants for protection. I remember Dean and your Dad turning up one time at Jim's while you were gone. Your Dad had been injured, can't remember what by now. Anyway, Dean hadn't for whatever reason fixed it in the normal way, can't remember why even, he'd dressed the wound with some concoction Jim had told him about. Your Dad was nearly blue in the face, he was raging on. Jim uncovered the wound and it was well on its way to healing. Your Dad shut up quick then."

"So... these herbs..."

"Right... umm, well, that one's Angelica. It's good protection against witchcraft. They even use it in some exorcisms. Marjoram, there," he points one out, "good for protecting houses, homes, that one. Those two are dill and coriander I think. I remember Jim saying he only kept them for cooking because they weren't much use for anything else other than 'love potions' and well, I'll leave you to imagine his thoughts on that subject. This one..." he breaks off a sprig and sniffs it. "Yep, this one is lavender. It's a good cleansing one. If I remember right it can be used as a shield as well. That's about it for me though I'm afraid."

Jordan sighs before speaking, "So it doesn't really tell us much more. He feels safer surrounded by a bunch of herbs, some of which can be used for protection but we've got nothing specific. Where do we go from here?"

"Why were you back down the hospital when we got here?" Bobby broaches the topic that has so far been avoided.

"He re-broke his leg. They think he did it a couple of weeks ago by what we got out of him. He'd been hiding it. He doesn't let anyone touch him, none of his wounds need dressing anymore so they've let him get away with it. He just tried to work through the pain like an idiot."

"How did they find it?"

"I stayed to see what's been going on with him. To see if I could work out a way to get him back. I saw what was happening, saw that he wasn't telling them it hurt, so I made the physiotherapist, Mal, take a look at it. When he tried to feel it, test it out, Dean was in agony."

"What'll happen now?"

"They know not to automatically believe him if he reckons everything's fine, I guess. Look, I should go back and check on him. I'll try and get back out to you."

"Don't worry. We'll keep thinking over what we can do to help you."

Sam walks back up towards Dean's room leaving them chatting. He feels better for having talked honestly with someone, someone who understands, someone who he doesn't have to hide the truth about the demon from, someone who cares about Dean personally, just because he's Dean.


	12. You can only imagine the feeling inside

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

**Chapter 12 - You can only imagine the feeling inside**

"It's not good," Jordan voices the thought going through Bobby's mind. "What the hell are we going to do to fix this?"

"Fix it... I don't know but I figure we split the load and we find out what Sam's being doing for money. You keep trying to work on getting Dean speaking, I'll see if he'll let me bring him back down here, I'll work on getting him out in general but see if I can find out what he needs, to be able to feel safe. We leave Sam to deal with the nightmares as much as possible and the physios and docs because he's the one best placed to know what Dean's hiding. We find out if Sam's been working and we work out whether one of us or both of us can take over the job, leave him free to be here all the time or at least not having to worry about money and work. If he's got none, we work out how we're going to get some money without pissing off the locals. We'll be here too long to hustle I would imagine. "

* * *

As Sam enters the building, he hastens his pace as the feeling he's been away too long comes over him. He almost runs the last few feet to Dean's door, but stops himself short of barrelling into the room. Instead he takes a breath, and then opens the door. 

He wishes he'd come back sooner when he sees the scene before him. Dean is trying to fend off the physiotherapist, Mal, who has retreated to the end of the bed and is trying to reason with him.

"Sam," Mal says, relief evident in his voice, "I...I haven't done anything. He won't let me near him. He was fine when Dr Roberts left, I came in a few minutes later and he... he ..."

"Give us a few minutes." The physiotherapist leaves and Sam takes his place at the end of the bed, wondering if he can get any closer without upsetting Dean any further. Instead he waits, just quietly says "Dean," once.

Dean's eyes flick round the room moving constantly, but as Sam watches he knows they keep flicking back to him. Eventually, the pillow Dean's holding is put down and instead Dean's hands move incessantly in the sheet.

Sam moves closer, close enough that Dean can touch him but he doesn't touch Dean. The wait hurts because he can see how tortured his brother is. He's waiting and watching but Dean still surprises him when he suddenly grasps Sam's hand.

"It's okay, Dean, it's me. It's fine."

He sits on the edge of the bed and sees Dean's hand come up to his face, the barest of touches before it drops back to the bed and Dean looks away. He takes the hand and lifts it back to his face. "It's okay, you can make sure, it's okay."

Dean takes the hand back and rubs it across his own face, then turns Sam's hand and begins to trace, "S-O-R"

Sam closes the hand round Dean's fingers. "No! You mustn't be sorry, you must check, every time you need to, you check. You hear me, Dean? You check and you keep checking until it's okay."

Dean's eyes drop down to their hands. "Dean? Mal will be back in soon. Are we going to be alright with that? I'll stay with you."

Dean pulls his hand free carefully and opens Sam's hand. He writes, "H-U-R-T"

"I know," Sam sighs,"but it's going to for a while."

"T-O-O M-U-C-H."

"Where?" Dean points to the unplastered leg.

"I'll get him to check it."

"N-O Y-O-U."

"Dean, I'll be here. I'll get him to check it, I'll get him to show me how, but it needs to be done properly and I can't do that for you, I don't know how. I'll call him now and I will right here, the whole time."

Before Sam can move the door opens and Mal asks, "Is everything okay? Are we ready for me to come and do some work?"

Sam looks at Dean, who nods reluctantly and so Sam answers, "Sure, come on in."

Mal approaches and stands at the end of the bed. "Okay, Dean, what I want to work on today is your good leg and I'll give you some exercises to work on to keep your upper body strength up."

Dean nods, but keeps his eyes focussed on his hands.

Sam says, "His good leg hurts." He receives a worried look from Mal and a glare from Dean. He only responds to the glare, "We've learnt that lesson, Dean." He pulls back the covers to reveal the plastered leg. "You want a matching pair again? That is what comes of not saying anything."

He can see embarrassment on his brother's face, "It's fine, we can get through this. Mal's going to show us how."

To everyone's relief, it turns out that all that's wrong is an excruciating case of cramp. Mal shows Sam how to help work it out allowing the muscles to relax. Before he leaves, he shows Dean some simple exercises he can do to keep his circulation going, promising that tomorrow he will give some to keep his muscles strong. His final thing before he leaves is a set of white cards, on to which he writes, "cramp", "pain", "bad", "slight", "foot", "calf", "thigh" and "back". The final two cards he hands over say "tired" and "stop". He says, "You tell me, Dean and I'll help. If you don't, I can't fix it or even try. There's some blanks cards there as well if you think of anything else."

Mal heads out leaving the brothers alone. Dean is still leaning against Sam as he had been for support during his exercises. Now Sam can feel the weariness in his posture. He shifts backward and encourages Dean to rest for a while.

About fifteen minutes later, Jordan sticks his head round the door, "We'll be back later. You need anything bringing back?" he asks quietly.

"Another change of clothes, I'm staying over tonight again and some take-out."


	13. Just say something

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

_**Chapter 13 - Just say something**_

Dean has been resting against Sam for about thirty minutes when he pushes himself up, so he's sitting upright again. Sam moves off the bed and offers Dean a hand to move up against the back of the bed. Sam sits down in front of him. Dean is watching him and so Sam smiles. Dean's eyes flick down as if he's guilty and been caught doing something he shouldn't.

Sam starts to chat. He's getting used to one-sided conversations. He lets his gaze wander round the room, making it seem as if he isn't just watching Dean. He is watching enough to see Dean's eyes lift to watch him again.

"Jordan's picking up take-out for us to eat. Is there anything you feel like? I could call him to get something particular if you want."

Dean shakes his head.

"How're you feeling?"

Dean shrugs.

"You think, it'll be okay for Bobby to come visit? Maybe the four of us could eat together. What do you think?"

There's a pause before Dean nods. His eyes slide away from Sam though.

"Good," says Sam. " I better just go let them know you don't need whatever they're serving up here tonight. Unless you want me to find out what it is and see if you prefer it?"

He receives another shake of the head by way of reply. "You okay, if I go out for a minute? I'll be back soon."

As Sam steps out of the room, he knows Dean is watching him.

* * *

He's gone less than a minute and when he gets back, he sees Dean is pretending to read one of the books he brought the other day but his eyes are actually watching the door. Sam sits down quietly and picks up a book himself, sees Dean relax a fraction and then begin to properly read the book he's holding.

Sam has difficulty focusing on reading, his eyes keep flicking to Dean, the door, the window. In the end, he gives up on the book and stands up. In the scheme of things, the book just doesn't seem important enough. As soon as he moves, Dean's eyes come up, filled with anxiety. Sam sees as Dean checks him over, then looks round the room as if checking for danger.

Sam rests his weight against the side of the bed and touches Dean's arm lightly to get him to look. He waits for Dean's eyes to stop flitting. "I'm just moving, there's nothing wrong. I'm just going to sit over there," he says indicating the chair and table by the window. Dean nods and re-opens his book.

Sam moves to the window and sets the book down, reaching for the laptop as he sits down. He barely has the machine turned on before he hears something hit the floor behind him. He jumps up and turns to see Dean facing him, book on the floor between them and Dean is trying to manoeuvre himself to the edge of the bed.

Sam dives back across the room to Dean's side, gently pushing him down. "Stay there, it's okay, I heard it. I'll get it. What do you think you're doing? I know it's frustrating, Dean, but you have to stay in bed for the minute. If you drop something, you just have to hang on until someone can get it for you."

He hands the book back to Dean and starts to move away, only to have the book land on the floor next to him again. He turns back in confusion, "What?"

Dean's face is grim, angry, but his eyes show the fear that is driving the anger. Sam sits down on the edge of the bed facing Dean, wondering what to do. "Dean?"

Dean grasps Sam's hand and turns it over. He traces, "N-O" on the palm.

Sam says, "No what, Dean?" baffled.

"H-U-N-T" he traces out. As he finishes, his eyes flick to the laptop.

Realisation dawns on Sam, "No Dean. I'm not looking for a job, a hunt. I was just..."

Dean's finger moves again, "N-O H-U-N-T N-O-T S-A-F-E"

"I'm not hunting. I was going to check my email."

"P-R-O-M-I-S-E"

"Dean," Sam encloses his brother's hand in his own. "I promise no hunting right now. I'm not going to leave you here while you feel like this. Okay?"

"N-O-T M-E Y-O-U S-A-F-E"

"Dean, it's fine... I'm fine. There's nothing to worry about."

"N-n-n-no. N-n-n-not s-safe!"

Sam hates that it is fear that has pushed his brother to speak, hates that it is so difficult for him and that his breathing is now so erratic, he is in danger of hyperventilating.

"Dean, breathe normally. Slow down, it's okay, slow down. Everything's fine. I won't go looking for a hunt. Just calm down."

Sam makes his own breathing slow and loud and watches as Dean works on trying to get his in time. As it calms, so the adrenaline rush passes and Dean slumps back against the pillows exhausted. His hand comes up to clench at the top of his t-shirt.

Sam reaches out to gently stop the anxious movement, saying, "It's okay." As he tries to disentangle Dean's fingers, he realises they are wrapped in t-shirt and not in the cord around Dean's neck as he'd thought. He moves the edge of the t-shirt as he pulls Dean's hand away and further realisation dawns; there is no cord around Dean's neck, no pendant hanging from it. "It's gone," he says without thinking, only then registering the glistening of unshed tears and the guilty expression on his brother's face.

"It's okay, we'll find it. I'll ask, someone will know where it's been put."

Dean shakes his head, allowing some of the tears to fall, "N-n-n-no".

"Why not Dean? Did you lose it at the hosptial? I can call them to see if we can get it back."

Dean reaches for Sam's hand and traces "D-E-M-O-N".

"Oh God, Dean, I'm sorry," Sam says as he reaches out towards his brother. Dean holds still. "Do you want me to go back, see if I can find it?"

"NO!" The word comes out clear, unstammered and full of the fear that Sam might actually do what he's offering.

"Okay, okay. We'll sort this. I don't know how yet, but we will." Dean relaxes a fraction, but still watches Sam warily. "We'll sort it, " Sam reassures just as the door opens and Bobby and Jordan comes in. Dean tenses. Sam turns to face them, keeping his body between them and Dean, leaving one hand behind his back resting over Dean's hand. He hopes it gives Dean the support he needs.

"I've just spoken to a lovely nurse outside who's going to get us some plates and stuff so we can eat this. I hope you two are hungry 'cos there's plenty here," says Jordan as he puts various packages down on the table moving the laptop back into its case.

Bobby stands at the end of the bed, leaving Sam between them in the guard-like position he's taken up, "Dean, it's good to see you."

He waits quietly until Dean nods by way of acknowledgement. "I was sorry to hear you'd had some bother and got knocked about. If there's anything you need, just let me know, I'm around for a while."

Dean nods again and Sam can feel some of the tension ease.

"I don't know what's happened to that girl, can one of you two give me a hand tracking down some plates before this all gets cold," Jordan says, looking pointedly at Sam.

Sam turns to Dean, checking he's okay with being left with Bobby without saying a word. Cautious agreement received, Sam stands to join Jordan.

Bobby doesn't leave the end of the bed when Sam goes, just begins to chat. "It is good to see you sport, I wish you hadn't got hurt so bad though." Dean's eyes flick away guiltily. "You got the Demon though and that's good news." It doesn't elicit the response he'd hoped for from Dean. "I heard the stammer is back and you're not talking. You know the boys, it won't matter to them, it certainly won't to me. When you were a kid, the way it went was to keep practising, to keep talking. The more you worry about it, being there, the harder it is to overcome." Dean's eyes come up to meet his sadly. "Dean..." he slowly moves round to lean against the side of the bed, resting one hand on Dean's leg. "I got you this," he offers Dean a book and pen, "It's up to you, the whole talking thing, but you can always write stuff down if you want. For you or to talk, it's there, whatever."

Dean reaches for the book and pen, acknowledging all that Bobby has offered spoken and unspoken.

* * *

Outside the room, Jordan says, "You okay? You look like something's really shaken you up."

"The stammer is getting worse."

"He spoke to you then?"

"Yeah, he was worried I was planning a hunt on the laptop, he got angry but I don't think it's real anger."

"What did you expect him to feel about you hunting right now?"

"He didn't believe I was just checking my mail."

"Sure he did. He just needs to be sure, like you said he's worried about you. At least you got him to talk, that's something."

"I also upset him, and pushed him to the edge of panic."

"Sam, he'll be fine, jsut give him time."

"I know why he's afraid."

"Yeah?"

"His pendant's gone. Lost the night with the Demon."

"He say how?"

"No, but he doesn't want me to go look for it."

"You want me and Bobby to go?"

"Not yet. Let me work on it. I know he never takes it off, but I hadn't realised it was that important to him."

"I suppose with everything else that's happened, but like you say, to put all your faith in a pendant like that, doesn't sound like Dean. Sam, Bobby and I were talking about money. We're gonna look for jobs round here. Have you been working?"

"Yeah, she gave me a week off to be with Dean. I'm due back the day after tomorrow."

"You think she'd let me or the old man take over? It's more important that you stay with Dean."

"I dunno. I guess I could ask but... that's..."

"Sam, me and him, we'll keep us afloat. You concentrate on Dean, we'll help all we can, but it's you he needs most. We all know that. Now put my mind at rest and tell me what the job is that I'm going to be doing..."


	14. Plain sailling until you admit

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

**_Chapter 14 - Plain sailing until you admit you need help_**

A couple of weeks later and Sam can't believe the change. Dean is pulling his life back together strand by strand.

He accepts some visitors, listens and makes occasional eye-contact. He's reached a point of relative ease of eye contact with Bobby, Jordan and Sam and most of the staff who help him.

He speaks to his brother and the two hunters and at times the stammer becomes almost unnoticeable, but any mention of hunting, past or future brings it back full force. In Sam's mind, it serves to emphasise the insidious psychological damage hunting has inflicted on his brother.

He sleeps less often during the day and the painkiller doses have been reduced. His sleep at night is still broken and tormented, but he wakens with less noise, pulling himself from sleep more often.

He keeps check on Sam's whereabouts at all times and worries when he's out of sight. It's a claustrophobic situation for Sam, who is torn between needing his own time and space and not wanting to cause his brother any more pain. He puts up with the constant checking without complaint, but accepts Bobby and Jordan's offers to sit with Dean and takes the opportunity to take some time.

Sam has come to enjoy the company of the other two hunters and is grateful for their presence, their help and their patience.

Dean still seems constantly on edge, waiting for some impending disaster, but so far nothing has happened. He still talks about safety and danger and has extended his concern from Sam to include Bobby and Jordan, but none of them can get to the root of it and the one thing guaranteed to have him distressed is talk of the demon.

The pattern of days has created a situation in which Dean always has someone with him and before being left with anyone new, some sort of conversation takes place between the newcomer and whoever is with him. It is this situation which seems to have provided the security he's needed to begin to speak, to being to try and overcome the obstacles of his health and his fears. It's Bobby who eventually says that perhaps the time has come to push Dean's independence further. They have created a situation in which he has made real progress but sooner or later the real world will encroach back on his life. Sooner or later, Dean will have to be able to be alone again.

Decision made, the three of them begin to 'forget' to bring things with them from the car, as an excuse to go back out to get them. They are only gone a few minutes but for now they feel it's enough. Over the next week, Dean accepts the move and his anxiety level begins to drop. What he doesn't know is that none of the three men are comfortable leaving him yet, still concerned that there is something to his fear that it isn't over with the demon. Each time the 'forgotten' item has actually been stashed outside his room and they just sit outside and wait for a few minutes.

Gradually they are all more accepting of this new achievement and they all worry less. The only ground rule is that there is always one of them there before anyone else comes into see him.

Sam is relieved to hear the police no longer consider him or Dean to be suspect of any crime and instead are thankful to have a number of missing people returned due to their efforts. When they want to come and talk to Dean as well, to express both their gratitude and their apologies for their earlier suspicions, Sam enlists the help of what is now Jordan's boss and well known in the community to discourage them.

She now pops in to see Dean, tells him amusing stories from her shop in the town. Sam is stunned by how many are at Jordan's expense. She accepts that Dean doesn't talk, doesn't smile and rarely even makes eye-contact, but she comes and visits and is cheery each time she speaks to him. She also accepts Sam's provisos on her visits, there is no mention made of the rescue of her daughter although Sam has assured her that he has told Dean who she is and why she comes and she never touches him or demands that he speaks.

She often brings cakes or pastries to try to tempt Dean, telling him he needs to eat more to build up his strength. Although improved, his appetite is still not what it was.

She is just packing up to leave one afternoon, saying she wants to be gone before Jordan arrives and finds out that she's already told them about his latest mishap with the whipped cream canisters, when Dean reaches out and touches her arm. She turns back to look at him, surprised and sees him trying to breathe carefully. She looks at Sam, stood silently by the window, who shrugs back, "Dean?"

"Th-th-thank you," he says.

"What on earth for?"

"C-c-coming to visit," is the rushed reply forced from his lips.

"It's nothing. I mean it, after all, who else would appreciate my stories about your Jordan like you do."

Dean nods. He looks her straight in the eyes and says,"Y-your daugh-daughter, h-how is she?"

"She's doing well. Thanks to you and Sam, she's doing well." Her eyes flick to Sam, not knowing what to say. He waves her on to reply fully, knowing that it is Dean who has asked and so he deserves an honest reply. "She's still frightened, but she knows it's over and she knows how lucky she's been."

"T-take c-care of her," he says quietly.

"I will," she assures him.

"Sh-she'll be f-f-frightened f-for a while."

"I know, but we'll be there for her whatever." She watches as he nods, then leans back, his eyes wandering away almost vacant again. "Bye for now, Dean." She waves to Sam, hoping he's happy with what she's said.

As the door closes behind her, Sam moves from his post as silent sentry by the window to his brother's side. "You good there, bro?" His hand rests on Dean's shoulder and he watches for the tell-tale flicker that says he isn't comfortable with the contact. The flinching away when he's touched has improved and Dean now only reacts with the barest hint of discomfort to Sam, Bobby and Jordan. He still pulls away from other people, although with a warning and careful handling of the situation, Mal and the medical staff manage some contact now without any more major problems.

"What you said...?"

"I-it's t-t-true. Sh-she will be f-frightened. P-people d-don't just get over th-things like that."

"I agree, they don't, so what about you?"

"F-fine n-now."

"No, you're not. Dean, you're doing great. I'm amazed at how much you've overcome but you're not fine, you're not over it and you won't be until you can talk about it and why you still feel afraid."

"S-st-stupid. I-i'll get over it." Dean's finger entangles in the new cord around his neck.

Bobby and Jordan had trawled the town looking for something to replace the missing pendant. They'd come up with only one option, a piece of turquoise on a cord, which according to the attached card provided protection from evil for the wearer. Neither was very impressed but until they could get somewhere with a more mystical outlook it would have to do.

That evening they had given it to Dean, only to have him insist on Sam wearing it. A second was bought the next day. Dean was equally firm on Jordan having that one. Catching him in a quiet time on the third day when it was just the two of them, Bobby handed over a third which Dean insisted he wore. He drew a fourth from his pocket and said, "I'll wear it but only if you wear this one. We don't give them to anyone else, no matter who - no visitors with daughters hurt by demons..." He sees in Dean's eyes a flicker of guilt. "No vulnerable staff here, no-one else right?"

Bobby goes quiet and waits. Dean puts the cord around his neck. Bobby does the same. "Okay."

Dean's eyes are still focussed away from Bobby. "Dean, listen to me. Sometimes the best way to protect other people or to help other people is to protect yourself first. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true. By looking after yourself, you can keep going. You'll never keep everyone safe, no matter how hard you try, but that's all we can ever do, try... try to overcome, try to keep going, try to survive. Over the years, I've watched you, I've watched you overcome amazing things, terrible things, I've watched you keep going and you're real good at both of those, but the survive part... you need to work on that, because you're burning out. Your life is worth every bit as much as everyone else. You have every right to be alive and to have a life worth living."

Bobby sees Dean's eyes have filled with tears before he turns his eyes away.

"G-g-g-o aw-way, p-p-please."

"Dean..."

"P-p-please, B-bobby."

Bobby sighs with remorse as he stands. "I'm sorry, Dean. I'll be outside, call if you need me."

That had been three days ago now and here they are with Dean saying he'll get over it and Sam can't believe him. "But you're not Dean, you're not just getting over this. You give advice, sound advice, to someone else, someone whose daughter is talking about it and is slowly putting it behind her, but what about you?"

Dean's hand falls away from the cord guiltily, "I-I'm f-fine."

"No. You're not. And I don't expect you to be, and nor does Jordan or Bobby, but we want to help, if you'll let us... any of us."

"N-no n-n-need."

Sam looks away from the blank emotionless mask of his brother's face and that's when he sees the proof he needs that Dean isn't fine, isn't dealing with it in a way that will let him heal. Dean's nails are digging into the skin on his left forearm unconsciously dragging and pulling marks up his arm. Sam rests his hand over Dean's hand. "You told me you wanted to let the cold out, well I'm here, I can help you let it out."

Dean sighs, his eyes moving constantly but not looking at Sam. "Y-you w-would h-hate me. I-i can't..."

"No," Sam's voice is resolute, "There is nothing you can say that will make me hate you, Dean. Nothing. But I hate this, I hate seeing you here hurt, I hate seeing you sitting here staring at the fish like the rest of the world doesn't exist, I hate that you don't talk anymore, that you don't eat, don't smile, don't go out. I hate that you hurt yourself..."

Dean looks at him in confusion and Sam pulls his arm with the deep nail scratches up in front of him and Dean just looks surprised to see them there. "... and the fact that you don't even know you've done it, just makes it worse. I hate all of these things but I don't and I won't _ever_ hate you."

"I-i-i'm sorry."

"NO! I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to let someone help you, even if it's not me, someone, because I can't bear to see you doing this to yourself. Dean, you know I can't take you out of here until I can be sure you're going to get through the day without doing this." Sam pulls Dean's arm in front of his face again, sees as Dean reaches to pull his sleeve over the marks and sighs, "Let me help you."


	15. Letting my brother in

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

_**Chapter 15 - Letting my brother in**_

The room goes quiet and Sam contemplates moving away, giving Dean some space, but then Dean's hand grips his wrist. "I don't want to lose you, Sam." The words are barely more than a whisper but they are stammer free.

"You won't, I promise, you won't."

"J-j-just you," Dean looks anxiously at the door. "I-...I..." he swallows awkwardly and tries again, "I d-don't want e-ev..."

"Just me. We can talk, just us."

Dean looks at the clock and then the door and says, "J-j-jordan..."

"I'll tell him we need some time."

Dean nods, resigned acceptance.

Sam stands and moves to the door, he catches Jordan just outside about to come in. A few words and Jordan nods, sitting down on a chair just outside the door. 'No-one will disturb you," he says.

Sam returns to Dean, sits quietly and waits. He takes Dean's hand when he sees Dean unconsciously start to pull at his sleeve again. Dean looks down in surprise, realises what he's doing and says "S-sorry."

"Don't worry."

"D-d-dad's dead."

Sam wonders where Dean's going with that thought, but doesn't say anything, just waits.

"Jess, P-pastor J-Jim, Caleb. They're all d-dead."

Sam nods, worried, but still waiting.

"M-mom was the first."

"I know, Dean."

"M-my whole life is a c-catalogue of p-people d-dying. Y-y-you know why?"

Sam sighs and waits. He knows perfectly well why, because of the fucking demon that's why, but he has an awful suspicion that Dean isn't going to say that.

"H-he told me. Me. Th-that's why. Th-they d-died in-instead of m-me."

"Dean, that's not true."

"H-h-he told me."

"Who?"

"Th-the d-demon. T-told me h-how d-disappointed they'd b-be. Th-they all knew. M-my f-fault."

"No, Dean. For a start, it was my crib."

"F-first night, I didn't s-sleep in s-same room. M-mine was j-just f-finished."

"Dean, you didn't even know Jess. You'd only met her that once."

"G-game. H-hurt you, m-make you h-hate me. Hurts me. H-he knew."

"No, I don't believe it. Dean, it was just saying those things to get to you."

"S-said I'm w-weak, a d-dis..." He breathes anxiously, trying to control the stammer, "d-dis-a-appointment." He closes his eyes and shivers. He feels Sam pull the covers tighter round him, rub his hand and arm soothingly. Dean works to control the almost overwhelming desire to push Sam away, keep Sam uncontaminated, he wants to cut himself open and dig until he finds the cankerous tumor he's got inside. "I-i l-let them all down. M-mom w-wanted me to b-be something good. W-worse still, I-i-i-i..."

Sam stops him as his breathing spirals out of control, "Dean breathe, take a break and breathe. Get it under control, come on."

It's a minute later, with Sam still rubbing his arm, that he says, "I-i-i ruined it a-all for you."

"No Dean, you didn't. The demon did and what about my visions, my moving things. Doesn't that sound demonic to you?"

"If I w-wasn't your b-brother..."

"I'd be lost, dead countless times over. If you hadn't saved me from the first fire, I'd have never got out. If you hadn't raised me, what do you think Dad would have done? If it weren't for you, Dad and I would have killed one another years ago, he'd have throttled me or I'd have given him an ulcer at the least and more likely a heart attack. Dean, you were the heart that kept our family alive, you were the shield that stopped the demon destroying our family completely."

"L-look a-ar-r-..." he tries to breathe with more control, tears in his eyes. Struggling to gain control, he gestures round the room "L-look S-sam, what f-fam-family?"

Sam sighs, "Dean, because of you, our family survived. When the demon killed Mom, it could have been the end, but even at four, you held on to Dad and I and kept us going."

"D-d-dad m-made a d-d-deal. M-me for h-him."

"Dean..."

"T-true."

"If he did, he did it because he loved you, because he was proud of you, because he wanted you to have the life you deserved."

"B-but..."

"You deserve life, Dean. More and better than you've had. He knew that and now you've finished it with the demon, we start to make that new life."

"N-not over."

"You killed it."

"There'll be m-more, he s-said. Th-they'll l-look and they'll f-find me. They'll come for m-me l-looking like s-someone I-i-i know."

"Oh god, Dean, I'm sorry, is that why you've been so... Geez..." Sam doesn't know what to say. How could he put Dean's fears to rest, how could he make this right? Instead he falls silent. The hand that has been rubbing along Dean's arm falls still, just holding Dean, an immutable lifeline between the two of them.

Dean's free hand comes up to touch his brother, "S-sorry."

"No, Dean, no. You must never be sorry because you've done nothing at all wrong, nothing to be sorry about. None of it was your fault, no matter what the demon said, none of it."

They sit in silence for a while, before Sam speaks again, "Dean, the pendant..."

Dean's fingers move to play with the stone at his neck. Sam isn't sure what exactly he is trying to get at, but he tries again, "Dean, these stones," he holds the one at his own throat. "Are they enough? Do you know? Will it protect you enough? I don't know where to get you one like the old one. Do you remember where you got it? Will this be enough for you?"

"Th-they're for s-s-some-something different."

"I know they're different, Dean but are they strong enough, do you think?"

"F-f-for Sam, f-for something d-different."

"What was the pendant for?"

"D-doesn't matter," he says, eyes sliding away.

"Dean?" Sam can't understand why all of a sudden Dean doesn't want to talk about something that should be a relatively safe topic. "Tell me, please. Maybe I can get something like it. When did you get it? Where?"

"C-caleb. I w-was a kid."

"Do you know where he got it?"

"N-no."

"What was it for?"

"Doesn't m-matter."

"Dean, please."

Dean sighs, looks back at Sam with a resigned expression, "Y-you won't und-derstand."

"Try me."

"M-made m-me stronger. S-st-strong enough to k-keep you safe."

"He gave it to you to keep me safe?" If he didn't know that by saying he was a kid, Dean probably meant he wasn't older than 8 or 9 and the likelihood was even younger when Caleb gave it to him, Sam would have laughed at the belief that the only reason Dean had kept him safe was because of a mere pendant, that Dean believed the pendant made any difference at all.

"T-to m-make me strong enough w-when Dad was away."

And Sam can imagine the conversation between the grimfaced but kind intentioned Caleb and a petrified child left looking after his younger brother. "Dean," he says quietly, "You were always strong enough. It was inside you, not the pendant. You don't need it."

"C-c-can't k-keep you safe."

"I don't expect you to keep me safe. All I want is for you to be by my side. We don't have to hunt, but I want to walk away from here with you. We can make a new start. When you're ready, we'll leave here, we'll find somewhere."

"Y-You c-could go n-now."

"But I would have to leave you and I don't want to do that. I need to take you with me."

"I-i'm sorry."

"Like I've said before, you don't need to be sorry, you just need to work on getting well, eating, getting fitter, keep practising talking and tell me, tell me what's going on in here..." he taps Dean's head gently, then continues, "...and in here..." tapping above Dean's heart, "Let me help you."

"You shouldn't have to."

Sam smiles, "I want to." He has noticed that Dean manages whole sentences without stammering at times. At the moment they are intermittent, but Sam sees them as another hint that Dean will get over everything that has happened eventually. "We'll be okay," he says instead.

He knows he's lived with the guilt of Jessica's death since it happened, knows he'd have driven himself to an early grave were it not for Dean's reassuring presence, always adamant that the demon was to blame not Sam. Added to the suspicion that he had in some way been the factor that attracted the demon to his mother, he'd almost driven himself insane, but Dean had shielded him in his fall and supported him in his regrowth. Now it was his turn to be there for Dean.

He had blamed himself and Dean had freed him at least partially from that blame. Dean had had the blame foisted on him, so it would be harder to throw it off. Sam's word against the Demon's. The more he thought about the situation and about his brother, the more he suspected that to some extent Dean was carrying guilt for some of those deaths anyway and the demon would have reinforced and extended that belief.

Sam remembers a conversation in the Impala with Dean about Jess' death. "Hell you want to blame someone, blame me," Dean had said, "I was the one who dragged you away."

Had that been a clue even then about the guilt that Dean carried? Sam remembered when they found out about Pastor Jim's death. They'd got back into the car and he remembers rambling on about old memories of them as kids at the Pastor's. Dean had been a silent shadow at his side. In two days, Dean had barely spoken and they'd added Caleb's death to the growing count. He remembers he had bemoaned their loss and Dad had raged and cursed but Dean,... Dean had said nothing. Only now thinking back can Sam piece it together, Dean had barely eaten, followed Dad's orders like an automaton. He had existed and then after a night of wretched vomiting and saying he'd eaten something bad when in truth he'd barely eaten at all, Dean had fought, battle-hardened and fearless and seen people die to save his family without flinching. It had come later the guilt for not hesitating in killing those people. Frightening in its intensity as if magnified by the delay, but that too had passed in time, or seemed to, more likely it was locked away somewhere inside of Dean.

"Th-they'll be here soon," Dean says quietly.

"Jordan's keeping watch, giving us some time."

"H-he knows?"

"No he just knows we wanted some time. He doesn't need to know anything more unless you want to tell him."


	16. Stepping out

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

_**Chapter 16 - Stepping out**_

As time goes on, the improvements continue, the plaster comes back off and Dean works on his physiotherapy with a fixed determination. His speech continues to improve and they can take him out around the grounds with less worry. He is polite to people who speak to him around the home, but the only time he initiates conversation is with Sam, Jordan or Bobby.

From time to time, he goes accompanied into the communal rooms, but he finds it hard to settle, fidgeting anxiously, eyes flicking round the people there, endlessly suspicious, endlessly moving. He won't enter anywhere with more than four people, other than the hunters, regardless of the age, gender or level of infirmity. There are two men who he refuses to be in the same room as. Sam is still working on finding out why. He knows that they are the guys that Dean supposedly attacked, but he still hasn't found out why that happened either.

His chance comes unexpectedly one day. The sun is glorious and Dean is through with his appointments for the day. Sam has been sitting staring out of the window, thinking it would be nice to get out when Dean interrupts his musings, "...g-go for a walk."

"Hmm? What? A walk? No it's okay, dude, I'll stay with you, it's cool."

"N-no, Sam, us! L-let's go for a walk."

"Us? Aren't you tired after your..."

"Sunny today. I want to g-go out in the sun."

"Right... Here," keen to take advantage of Dean's suggestion, he throws a sweatshirt across the room to his brother, relieved to see that he catches it and pulls it on without difficulty.

He watches as Dean lowers himself carefully off the bed, reaching for the wheelchair. Sam sees him trying to turn it round but with the brakes on, it won't turn. "S-sam. Help please."

Sam steps forward, unsure what Dean is trying to achieve. "What do you need a hand with? Getting it closer?"

"N-no. Take the b-brakes off. I can't reach from here."

"The brakes? You sure? It might move as you try to get into it."

"P-please. I know what I'm d-oing."

"Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound like you didn't," he releases the brake and pushes it closer, only to see Dean turn it round and position himself between the handles, moving his weight fully forward cautiously. "Dean, are you sure about this? Just sit, I'll push, it's no big deal."

"No. I've p-practised with Mal. I can do it, 't-til I'm tired."

"Be careful, don't overdo it." Sam smiles as Dean looks at him and rolls his eyes. In that moment, he is so Dean that Sam's stomach lurches. He smiles again, which is the one thing Dean still never does, and says, "Sorry dude, bit over the top there, I guess."

He hovers anxiously at Dean's side as they make their way outside, but Dean barely registers as he focuses on putting one foot forward and making his way down without falling or bumping into anything.

Sam holds the door open and helps Dean make his way through. They are just coming towards the first of the benches when Sam says, "You want to take a break?" He wonders if Dean can hear the pride in his voice. He recognises how the small pushes he has given have seen Dean begin to push himself to get better. He wouldn't have even contemplated suggesting Dean walk all the way down to the garden, despite knowing he's been walking with Mal. Seeing him push himself like this is a real sign that Dean is healing inside and out.

"B-bit further."

"Don't overdo it. I don't want you to hurt your leg, 'cos you're doing great."

" 's okay. Y-you get to p-ush back. Gotta make you w-work."

"It's a deal," Sam laughs and is rewarded by seeing Dean's eyes soften like they used to do when he smiled for real. There's no smile there, but Sam doesn't mind because that look in his eyes is enough for now.

Dean is heading determinedly for the herb garden and Sam is at his side, alert the whole way, poised for the moment Dean is too tired to continue. He makes it all the way to the entrance to the herb garden and has not given up, although Sam can hear his breathing become more laboured.

Dean looks up as he turns in and halts as he sees people already there. He takes a step backward and attempts to change both his direction and that of the chair in front of him. The sudden pull on the chair changes Dean's centre of gravity and he almost falls, but Sam is at his side and a judiciously positioned arm keeps Dean on his feet.

"Let's take a break," Sam says, hoping not to have to force the point, hoping Dean will admit he's done enough.

"N-not h-here."

Sam really wants this achievement to end on the high Dean deserves, but he can see the possibility of that crumbling. "Dean, you're tired. You need a break."

"P-please, Sam, n-not here, not now."

"Dean... will you sit and let me push?" Sam still has his arm supporting Dean, he can tell Dean is tired, at the limit of what he can do.

Dean nods and leans against a tree to help support his weight, so that Sam can remove his arm and turn the chair round. Once he settles into the chair, Sam begins to push down to the next secluded area of the garden. Finding it empty, he enters and comes to a stop. "How about here?" he asks.

"Fine," Dean's voice is quiet. His eyes range all round them, not the aimless vacancy or the purposeless flitting that Sam has come to know, rather it is a deliberate, careful examination of their surroundings. Sam allows him time to check and when the check continues longer than he thinks it should, he is just about to reassure Dean himself, when Dean speaks, "It's all r-right here for now. It's safe for n-now."

"Yeah, we're safe now." Sam knows they're safe. He has Bobby or Jordan check regularly and reinforce the protection that surrounds this property. It would take one hell of a powerful Demon to circumvent this level of protection in order to get in and come looking for Dean.

"Dean?" Dean's eyes swing round to look at Sam. "Why didn't you want to stop in the herb garden?"

"It's n-nice here."

"Yeah right!" Sam doesn't even try to keep the disbelief out of his voice.

"Too b-busy."

"Why? We talking about something private? Is there something you want to tell me?"

Dean sighs, "I-i hit him."

"I know, but you're not going to do it again, are you?"

"D-don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? You hit someone again, Dean and I'll be looking for somewhere else for you to stay until you're well, because this place will not let you stay," Sam knows his voice is harsher than he intended but he can feel his anxiety multiplying.

"W-when can I come w-with you?"

"I don't know, hopefully not too much longer with the way you've come on. You did well with that. It was impressive."

"I'm tired now," his voice is quiet again.

Sam tries to stay upbeat, keep the enthusiasm going, "I'm not surprised, bro. You did your physiotherapy before you tackled the walk. You should take it easy this afternoon, though."

"M-maybe."

"Dean, you've pushed yourself enough for today. I'm not going to let you do anymore because overdoing it is just as bad as you not doing anything."

"I'm okay."

Sam lets it slide, figures it won't be too hard to keep Dean in his bed this afternoon. "So why did you hit him?"

Dean looks at him warily before answering, "D-don't know."

"I don't believe that. What happened?"

"I-i got it wr-rong."

"How?"

"J-just wr-rong."

"Dean, tell me."

"H-he s-said s-someth-ing b-bad."

"Calm down. Tell me what he said, but take it easy, it's just us."

"...s-s-s-said..."

"Dean, breathe properly, come on, you can do it." Sam watches as Dean attempts to get his breathing controlled before he tries again and wonders what happened that even now it's upsetting him.

"H-he said, he said he w-was going to hurt Lyndsey. S-said she w-was asking for it, but he-he can't. I didn't kn-now."

"You thought he meant it? To hurt her?"

Sam sees Dean nod, sees him stare into the distance as if reliving the memory then shudder, "Dean, it's okay now."

"I-i didn't know, S-sam."

"I know."

"I th-thought it w-was the right thing t-to do."

"I understand."

"I-i w-was wrong."

"You weren't to know."

"I-i shouldn't have done it."

"Maybe not, but you thought you were doing the right thing."

"C-can't trust me anymore. I can't t-tell."

"Dean, it was a mistake, we all make them."

"Yours don't g-get people h-hurt."

"Really! I know that's not true. Okay, let's run through a few shall we..."

"No!" It's a conversation-closer and Sam isn't going to risk upsetting him any further.

"Okay."

They sit quietly for a while, until Dean begins to fidget, uneasy in the quiet.

"So..." Sam figures he ought to break the awkward silence but doesn't know what to say.

"Y-you should go back to work."

"Sorry? What makes you say that?"

"You m-must be bored, sitting h-here all the t-ime."

"I see. You fed up with my company all of a sudden."

"No."

"So... why don't you want me around?"

"I-i do want you here, b-but it's not about m-me."

"So what is it about?"

"Y-you. Y-you need to do th-things; not just wait on me getting out of here."

"It's okay. Anyway for now, it's not about me and **we** are thinking about you first, because in case you hadn't noticed, you're the one who's doing all the hard work here. I'm quite enjoying sitting back with my feet up." Sam is trying to lighten the tone of the conversation. He knows it won't work to say out right that he thinks Dean needs him there, because Dean needs his pride, his self-respect. Dean knowing that Sam is there because he is afraid, or rather having it forced into common knowledge, won't work; Sam knows well enough that Dean isn't stupid, he knows why Sam is staying, but facing it could destroy any remaining shreds of worth that Dean has managed to cling onto and Sam isn't going to risk that.

"You d-don't have to stay all the time," although the words are controlled, Sam can hear the edge that still screams fear.

"Fair enough," he acquiesces.

"Y-you could... go out... g-go home... I-i don't know... do something you w-want to do. I can't expect y-you to be here all the t-time."

"I don't mind Dean, really. It can wait a bit longer."

Dean looks away into the distance, takes a few deep breaths, then looks back at Sam, eyes intent, "It...I..." He closes his eyes, a frown passing over his forehead.

"Dean, what is it? What are you trying to tell me?"

"I can't expect y-you to be with me all the t-ime. I can't... I w-want you here, I want to be able t-to see if you are safe because I c-can't keep you safe, Sam. I c-can't protect you."

"Listen, you're just giving me a chance to watch your back for a change, repay all the times you've done it for me. You're making it easy on me though, Dean. No mud, no car chases, no angry spirits, no guns or swords or incantations. We haven't done anything really daring with rock salt and holy water in weeks. I'm sure I don't let you have it this easy."

"I'm n-not joking, Sam."

"You know what Dean, I don't think I am either. I don't want you to need to worry about me right now. I want you to concentrate on getting better, feeling like you're ready to leave here, and if that will happen quicker by my hanging out here being a pain in your ass, it's fine, I'm cool with it."

"Maybe I'm not. One-one day, you're going to..."

Sam feels the old scar open back up as he retorts in frustration, "I'm going to what Dean? Walk out and leave you? Desert you? Abandon you when you need me? Leave and go back to school?" Sam regrets his outburst when he sees Dean almost cowering from him. "Sorry," he says, feeling every inch of its inadequacy, "I didn't really mean that."

"Maybe you did," comes the sad reply.

"Dean, **I** didn't, but I didn't want you saying it either."

"N-needn't have worried."

"Why?"

"I-I was going to say you're going to have to g-go out and I'll have to g-get by until you come back at some point, but yeah, someday... who kn-nows?"

The guilt has just multiplied exponentially and Sam wishes he could take his words back, "Dean..."

"D-don't worry Sam. It's m-me. I-i should be al-right on my own b-by now."

"Dean, I didn't mean it, I am sorry. I didn't want you thinking it. 'Should' doesn't come into this, there is no 'should be alright by now'. I can see Dean, and I've avoided talking about... well just about everything because I didn't want to upset you more than you already were, but I'm going to take that risk now because... just because."

Dean's eyes are shrouded in concern as Sam pauses for breath before starting again. "For months I've wanted to ask you what happened with the demon? I've wanted to find out why you hit those guys? I've tried to stop you believing you're not safe here, because Bobby and I have got that much protection laid around this place, it almost hums with it; nothing can get in. Dean, I want you to get better, to feel okay, be yourself. I want you to know that, yeah I can see how hard this is for you, physically and mentally, emotionally, whatever. But the little bits you've told me, just worry me more... you know why? They worry me because if it was me, I couldn't just put it behind me and get over it like it was nothing and I guess what I'm trying to say is you don't have to 'just get over it'. I know it's going to take time and I'm here for the long haul. I'm not going to skip out on you."

"I thought h-he was going to hurt L-Lyndsey, he said all sorts of stuff, called her a b-bitch, a whore and s-said he would s-slap her around until she b-behaved properly. It-it's no way t-to treat h-her."

"No, it's not. You're right."

"I h-hit him... I didn't th-think about h-him, just what h-he said."

"I understand."

"H-he w-wasn't j-joking, S-sam. H-he w-wasn't."

Sam can hear the desperate plea behind the words, the plea that begs, 'Please believe me."

"I understand Dean. Hell, maybe I'd have done the same."

Dean shakes his head, "Y-You'd have s-s-seen he c-can't."

"Dean, did anyone else hear what he said? Did Lyndsey hear?"

"N-not Lyndsey, sh-she was..." he's gasping for breath, until Sam places one hand over his on the arm of the chair, then he draws a deep, ragged breath in and out trying to get his control back. "He was p-pissed, she took too l-long fetching someth-thing."

"Other people heard?"

"M-maybe, d-don't know."

Sam's got his answer for one of the alleged attacks. Yes, Dean had got it wrong, the guy couldn't have done what he was threatening, he's way too infirm for that, but Sam has been saying all along, there had to have been a trigger, Dean wouldn't have just arbitrarily have decided to attack someone, he'd been motivated by the need to protect, however misguided it was.

"Dean, it's okay, just put it behind you. It's over and done with."

"I h-hurt him, Sam."

"He's over it and maybe he'll have learnt a lesson from it."

Sam puts his hand back over Dean's as it twists and pulls at the edge of his t-shirt. "It's okay, it's done, finished. Let's put it behind us."

Sam finds himself wanting to head round to the doctor's office to tell him what he's found out, to prove that Dean isn't just some screwed up freak who attacks people without warning. It's taken weeks to find this out and all along, he's had this fear that, although nothing has ever actually been said, people might think Dean is just a troublemaker, a guy with an attitude and that he probably pissed his attackers off and that it's his own fault he got hurt and ended up here.

He feels the shivers running through Dean and regrets not bringing a blanket down with them. "Come on, let's head back, it's getting cooler out here." He doesn't think the temperature has dropped, but Dean needs to get warm and that's the point.

Dean speaks again, quietly, "W-wait. L-let me f-finish."

"You going to tell me something else?"

"The other one I-i hit. I..." he sighs, watches as Sam settles back down in front of him.

"You want to do this now?"

"I-i'm so-sorry S-sam."

"No."

"I w-wasn't thinking straight. He s-said... he s-said... he...he..."

"Hey, hey, we don't have to do this now. It can wait for another time." Sam would say anything to stop the waves of anxiety stabbing outward from his brother.

"Sam! Please!" The tone changes from first word assertiveness to the second begging. Sam goes quiet, still looking at his brother, taking in the eyes that look ready to overflow. "I w-was f-fr-frightened."

Sam's heart almost stops to hear this admission from his normally resilient and stoic brother. He hardly dares to ask, "Why?"

"He k-kept s-saying..." Sam figures whatever it was that he'd said is still freaking Dean out, but he's trying to face it. "... saying that th-the d-demon w-was going to c-come back. Th-that it w-would c-come t-to g-et you. I-i-i w-would watch y-you d-die. I d-don't w-want that. I-i c-can't s-see that. I-i p-p-prom-mised I-i'd always p-protect y-you."

"Ssh, we're okay. Nothing's happened. Jordan and I will find out who he is, whether he really does know anything about demons, whether there is anything to what he said, any danger."

It was the one scenario, that could blow this whole thing apart. If the guy was possessed, they were in trouble and he had made one hell of a mistake. Sam thinks 'It's no wonder he's afraid if I've trapped a possessed guy in here with him the whole time. He says, "We'll sort it, Dean." Sam looks at him and thinks 'You're afraid, yet you've launched yourself at a possessed guy with your bare hands and you're still so injured." It was something that he hadn't considered before in relation to their position - the dual nature of a circle of protection - keep danger out or danger in. There was no reason to think that there would already be a demon with access to the property.

"I'm s-s-sorry."

"No Dean, there is nothing for you to be sorry for at all," Sam says, thinking, 'me, however, that's a whole different ball game."

"I-i w-want to go b-back now." If Sam had needed proof that the demon and the stammer were psychologically bound together , he's got it now. Dean's speech has been improving so much over the last couple of weeks that Sam thought perhaps the end of the stammer was coming into sight, yet here it is back in full force.

Dean is shivering violently now, so Sam removes his own sweatshirt. It won't fit over the one Dean's got on, so Sam just lays it over his legs and says, "We'll go back in and get warm now."


	17. Just when you thought

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

_**Chapter 17 - Just when you thought**_

Dean is shivering violently now, so Sam removes his own sweatshirt. It won't fit over the one Dean's got on, so Sam just drops it over his legs and says, "We'll go back and get warm." He hurries, pushing Dean's chair, back up the path and into the room before letting Dean take over. "Let's get you warmed up," he says. "Why don't you get in bed and rest for a while?"

Dean starts to push the wheelchair closer to the bed. "S-sam?"

Sam turns to look at him, "Yeah."

"C-can you h-help p-please? I d-don't f-feel so good." Sam comes to his side. The shivering is non-stop and Dean is struggling to control his twitching muscles. Sam bends to take off Dean's sneakers first before helping him move from chair to bed.

The first sneaker comes off and Sam is starting on the second when he hears a barely whispered apology. He looks up into Dean's eyes and sees depths of pain he's only scratched the surface of. He shakes his head, and resting one hand on his brother's knee, he says, "Keep trying Dean, that's all I want you to do. Keep trying." He looks back down at the other sneaker and starts to loosen it before saying "... and talk to me, let me help."

He's pulling the sneaker off when, with a smile, he says, "Of course, you could develop a wider music taste, something a little more...umm...recent? That would help."

There is a pause, Dean is watching but makes no response, so Sam continues on, "...some better table manners..." Sam nudges him gently to show he's kidding, "... a liking for something other than fast food. Any of those would help. Come on, how do you want to do this now?"

Dean gently moves Sam into a position where he can use him as an extra support as he transfers himself back to bed.

With Dean in bed, Sam says, "I'm going to call Jordan in a bit, ask him to bring me some stuff out later. You want anything?"

"M&Ms and some M-Metallica."

Sam laughs, "Sure."

Sam sits back and watches as Dean falls asleep quickly. The morning has definitely exhausted him and as he warms up and the shivering eases, he relaxes into sleep.

Sam steps outside the room and calls the other hunters. He explains Dean's demon story and both are concerned that it may be grounded in fact. They agree to head out to visit, Bobby will try to find out more about the guy in question and Jordan will cover the whole site within the protection for evidence. Sam will stay with Dean.

By the evening, Bobby has some answers, but Jordan is tight-lipped. It turns out the guy isn't possessed but he had had a run-in with a demon a few years back. Bobby even managed to get in touch with the hunter who helped him out to verify the facts. Now he's just confused, confused by illness into not knowing clearly what's past and present, alternating between threatening people and warning them what's out there. Sam sees him with new eyes and is frightened even more as he imagines that could be the future in store for his brother.

Sam is watching as Dean sleeps again. He hadn't slept for long after their walk and so, by evening, he is tired quite early. Seeing his eyes heavy, Jordan and Bobby leave early too.

Seeing Dean frown and grow restless in his sleep, Sam moves forward to soothe him, running fingers through his hair to relax the frown. He looks down on his brother's sleeping form and whispers quietly, "We could get out, Dean. When you're better, we could put this all behind us, because I don't want you to end up like him, Dean. I don't want you to have to go through any of this again. We'll be okay, I'll find a way. Just you and me."

Dean stirs again, turning onto his side, towards his brother, and Sam whispers, "Sssh, rest, I've got you." As if that penetrated his sleep, Dean's hand stretches towards Sam. Sam takes hold of it and sees as Dean relaxes into a deeper sleep.

* * *

"So you've not said much lad," Bobby says, once Jordan has left the drive and has the truck out on the road back to town. 

"Yeah, well, like you said, the weird guy's not possessed, problem solved."

"Uh-huh, so why do you look like a cockroach crawled up your ass?"

"Just leave it..."

"No. Is Dean safe or not?"

"How the fuck would I know?" Jordan yells, yanking the steering wheel, braking suddenly and coming to rest in a flurry of dust and gravel at the side of the road, before letting his head drop onto his hands. "I don't know," he says quietly.

"Okay, so you're not worrying me much now. Care to explain."

"I don't know whether he's safe or not."

"Because..."

"Because the weird guy is not possessed but..."

"But what, Jordan, this is not a game, spit it out."

"A game? Fuck it ... there was sulphur and symbols, but they're old, but I can't tell how old, there's something odd about them, I've not seen anything like it before and what is the likelihood of the old guy and someone else..."

"Turn the car round, show me."

* * *

Dean wakes the following morning refreshed. He can hear the shower running and thinks all he needs is for Sam to be singing for this to be a normal day, like they used to have. He eases himself across from the bed to the wheelchair and starts to collect clothes ready for his turn in the bathroom. With everything ready, he leans over to massage his calf, figuring he probably should have called a halt to the walk at the first bench yesterday and not just kept on going. He is suffering for it now in the tightness of the muscles and what makes it worse is the stick Sam is going to give him. He offered the chance to sit down, but no, Dean had got it in his mind and he stuck with it. 'Stubborn as ever' Sam will say, or words to that effect anyway. 

He's been so busy trying to get the painful knot out of the muscle in his calf without success that he hasn't noticed the shower turn off. He does, however, hear the bathroom door open and he looks up guiltily into Sam's eyes,"S-am?"

"Dean? What's the matter? Is it your stomach? Is it bad? You should have called me."

"No," comes the reply, as Dean straightens to sit upright.

"Did you drop something? I've told you to just hang on and I'll grab stuff for you."

"Yes... er, no... I thought so b-but..." Dean's eyes flick quickly round the room. "Apparently, I was wrong and you must have already p-picked it up for me," he finishes pointing at the book he'd been reading the day before resting on the table by the bed.

Sam frowns at the book, then looks back at Dean, noticing for the first time that one leg of his sweat pants is rolled up over his knee as if..."Dean, you want to tell me the truth now?"

"What S-sam?" Dean tries to sound innocent.

"Like why did you need to roll your pants' leg up to reach a book that you never dropped because you put it down before you ate last night and didn't pick it up again before you went to sleep?"

"You're j-just a sm-art alec, Sam. You know that?"

"And you're a stubborn ass, so I guess it evens us out. So about that pants' leg?"

Dean mumbles something which Sam thinks might have included the word 'stiff' but he really couldn't be sure, he figures Dean definitely needs to say it again, louder and clearer. It must be all that Black Sabbath that he's been listening to in the car, he's definitely hard of hearing now.

Dean heaves a sigh of disgust, then with a glare at his brother, says archly, "My leg is a l-little stiff this morning, Sam."

Sam smiles broadly as he replies, "Oh really, Dean. I'm sorry to hear that. I wonder what could have caused that."

"B-brothers!" Dean snorts in response.

Dropping his towel on a chair, Sam kneels in front of Dean. He lifts Dean's foot and rests it on his thigh and begins to massage the muscle, saying "I'm not surprised you're a bit stiff this morning, you did a lot yesterday. The walking was amazing." Sam doesn't criticise or suggest he's overdone it, he praises him, encourages him, as he works on the tight knot of muscle. The muscle seems almost rigid and Sam is amazed that Dean does nothing more than grimace occasionally as he works on the leg. As the stiffness in the leg recedes, Sam sees Dean begin to relax. He gently puts that leg down and picks up the other foot, asking, "How's this one?"

"Not too b-bad," is Dean's answer. "You w-want a w-walk later?"

"Yeah, I do," says Sam with a smile. "That sounds like something to look forward to."

"I... d-don't think I'll go so far today," Dean says quietly.

Sam replies, "Fair enough. Just as far as feels okay, sounds good to me."

* * *

Bobby and Dean are discussing the merits of various classic cars over the modern day flash rides, when Sam and Jordan go out for a walk. "So what is it?" asks Sam, "What do you want to talk about?" 

"I want to show you something," is the grim reply, as Jordan leads the way to the spot where he found the symbols.

"The surprise is how close to it we've been each time we've laid the protection," he says. "Bobby reckons it's been there longer than the accident, but only by a couple of months. The question is 'who?'"

"No," says Sam, "The question is 'where are they now?' Is he in any danger now?"

"I can't find anything either way to suggest an answer to that."

Jordan sounds tired and Sam looks at him more closely. "Hey, what's up? Is there something else?" he asks.

"Just tired, that's all." He doesn't tell Sam that he's barely slept for worrying about the symbols, that he and Bobby came back last night and spent another two hours searching the grounds or that he came back at first light this morning to keep looking and that in between he trawled the internet for anything that might be that particular set of symbols and he's got no answers yet and is running out of places to find out. In fact, short of driving to the other side of the country to speak to an old hunter friend of his Dad's who hasn't embraced the modern way of life with computers and mobile phones, he only has two more options. The better of the two is what he's doing now - taking Sam to see the symbols to see if he knows, but he's got this sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. He's got this feeling that it isn't going to be Sam who knows what the symbols are, it's going to be Dean and that's not going to turn out well if he has to do that.

"You're worried," Sam states quietly.

Jordan wants to make a witty reply, something like 'No shit, Sherlock,' would do, but... he hasn't got it in him to be witty today because this isn't funny, so instead he just says, "Yes."

"You think he's in danger?"

"I think you both are, always, but right now, yeah, I think he's in danger and I don't think he can take anymore. He needs..."

"Time," says Sam.

"I guess."

"He is getting better," Sam affirms.

"He doesn't need a setback now... We're here," he says as they reach the spot beneath the tree.

Sam bends down to look at the area. He sees the symbols, studies them carefully. There's something about them...

He stands suddenly and looking round, moves across to the left about ten paces, bumping Jordan out of the way without thinking. He clears a substantial sized second patch, nothing, so he moves back and starts again, ten paces to the right this time and clears another patch, revealing a second set of symbols. "Shit!" The word breaks the uneasy silence.

He turns to Jordan and says, "I need an EMF and a pen and paper."

"I can get the pen and paper, but my car's at Bobby's place and I don't think his EMF works after the dog had a go at it. That's if he's even got it here."

Sam digs in his pockets and hand over the keys to the Impala. "It's in the trunk, it kinda looks like a Walkman..."

"Dean's..."

"Yeah. We should give him Bobby's to fix, keep him occupied."

"Great idea, until he gets it working and it starts screeching that there's something here."

"He's gonna know soon enough anyway."

"You're going to tell him?"

"I'm going to have to I need him to work out what the symbols mean. He's the only person I know who could read this stuff."

"You recognise it?"

"Maybe... I think it Glagolitsa. He learnt it years ago ... wanted to be able to do something that Dad and I couldn't... this is what he came up with. What was the likelihood of him learning that and it ever being what we needed on a hunt. Dad gave him hell about wasting time learning useless shit when he could have learnt something useful. Then, if we aren't on a hunt and that's what was there Glagolitic writing. There was a bies, Dean sorted the translation, knew the mythology..."

"A what?"

"A bies. It's slavic."

"God, and I thought you were the academic."

"Maybe, but he's not as stupid as he makes out."

"Obviously." With that Jordan heads out towards the parking lot.

Sam folds down into a crouch against a tree, head in his hands, "Oh God, Dean, I'm sorry."


	18. Reaction Time

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

_**Chapter 18 - Reaction Time**_

Dean stares blankly at the sheet of paper Sam has given him, saying "It's Glagolitsa, isn't it Dean? You can work out what it says, can't you?"

Bobby and Jordan had stood there, behind Sam, watching as Dean says nothing, does nothing. He hasn't moved at all since he first looked at the paper. In the end Bobby and Jordan walk out, figuring maybe Dean will react when it's just Sam there, but so far nothing has changed. Dean is still sitting and Sam is still talking to him, hoping for some sort of reaction, any reaction. Of all the reactions Sam had considered, he hadn't thought of this one. Stupid of him really as Dean has only just begun to rebuild himself having spent months in this sort of state. Sam could kick himself for this.

* * *

Dean looks at the piece of paper in his hand. He hears Sam say, "It's Glagolitsa, isn't it Dean? You can work out what it says, can't you?" The thought that 'Yes, Sam's right' races through his mind just before his mind shuts down altogether.

When it starts back up again, and Dean can't tell whether it's been moments or hours, his mind is racing uncontrollably and he's trying to get it under control amidst the noise and fear racing through it. He's trying not to scream out at Sam, but the words are racing through his mind, screeching until it's all he can hear, "You promised, Sammy, you promised you wouldn't go hunting, you wouldn't leave me here alone."

He knows he's got his mouth closed, jaw clenched because he's got to keep it that way. He can't risk these words slipping out, Sam's his own man, always has been. Sam will do what he thinks is right. It's one of the reasons Dean's always admired him, Sam has always stood up for what was right, what he wanted, nobody's pushover and Dean isn't going to try pushing, because he can't take the rejection and he doesn't have the right. Sam has sat here for months and for what, what has Dean given him in return, fuck all that's what.

Dean's aware in the most vague of ways that there is a pressure on his hand, something pulling at his fingers. He can hear Sam in the distance, talking, pleading. He blinks, shakes his head, trying to clear it, trying to find out what's happening to Sam, why is he upset?

* * *

Sam tries to prise Dean's fingers apart, tries to take the paper back, like he wants to take the last half an hour back, rewind to where Dean was fine and making progress. 

"Oh God, Dean, I'm so sorry, so sorry. Please come back, please. Just look at me, Dean. Let go of the paper and look at me, you don't have to look at it, you don't have to have anything to do with any of it. It's over, it's over, just let go and I'll take it away."

* * *

As the fog clears, Dean can make out the figure of Sam begging for something. There is still the pull at his fingers so he looks down and is surprised to see Sam trying to get something from his hand. 

"S-s-sam," he struggles.

Sam stills instantly, turning back to Dean with a sigh of relief, "Dean!" His hand comes up to Dean's face. "You're there, thank god. Look I'm sorry, okay? Please just let me..." His attention shifts back to the paper in Dean's hand "... have the paper. You don't have to do it, you don't need to translate it. Everything will be fine. You don't need to be involved at all."

Dean uses his other hand to knock Sam's away from the piece of paper. "W-w-where?" he says, thinking maybe it won't be too far, maybe he won't have to worry about Sam for too long because he'll come back quickly.

"Where what? Oh the symbols, the first set are under the tree, the second set are ten paces or so to the right."

"What tree?" Sam said it as if Dean should have known where but Dean can't remember him saying.

"Dean, in the garden. Here. Look it doesn't matter, okay, we can sort it. We'll make sure you're safe and we'll deal with it. I just thought... but it's not right, I'm sorry."

"Here?" Sam nods in response to the question. Dean opens his hand and smoothes out the paper and looks again at the symbols.

"Th-there should be m-more," he says, when he's got the general gist of what they're saying. "I-i need th-the rest."

"How? Where do I look?"

"P-pen? " Dean takes the proffered pen and begins to draw. He draws a diamond shape, two short equal sides at the top, two much longer ones extending below. He then overlays a square, with the two vertical edges meeting exactly central with the lateral vertices of the diamond. "Y-you've got the symbols from either these two points," he indicates the top left of the square and the top of the diamond, "or these," again he indicates the top of the diamond but this time the top right of the square. "You n-need to find the other f-four - the missing one of these," he points to the top of the square , "and these three", the bottom vertices of the square and diamond.

Sam nods, "Then what do we do?"

"W-write the s-symbols down and I-i'll w-work it out."

Sam laughs, almost hysterical relief, "My God, I thought I'd lost you."

Dean looks puzzled. "Dean, you didn't move, didn't speak. You didn't react at all for, god it must be at least thirty minutes, I thought you'd ..." Sam pauses not sure how to say he thought he'd driven Dean back to that catatonic position he'd been in for months.

"I-i'm s-sorry"

Sam can hear how the stutter, that was almost unnoticeable this morning, is glaring now. "What happened? Where did you go?" he asks quietly.

Dean swallows slowly, hugs his arms closer and shivers. "Hey, it's okay now," says Sam, resting his hand on his brother's arm in time to feel the next shiver go through him.

"I-i'm c-cold, c-can you pass m-my s-sw-sw..."

"Yeah, here you go. So are you going to tell me?"

"N-nowhere. Just g-got c-caught up, I guess."

"Dean?"

In a moment of blinding honesty, he replies, "I-i thought you were g-g-going to l-leave me and I j-just g-got lost. I d-don't know w-where."

Sam's eyes close imagining the horror. "I'm sorry. I promised I wouldn't leave you here like this. I meant it."

Dean nods sadly. Sam pulls the spare blanket over and wraps it round Dean using the movement as an excuse to keep close to Dean. Sam says quietly," I promise, I won't leave you like this," feeling as some of the tension gradually leaves his brother.


	19. Dealing

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

_**Chapter 19 - Dealing**_

Dean thinks what they've agreed is that nobody moves anywhere alone, the other three aren't going to set him right either. They haven't got time to stay together, but they're all agreed until they know more, Dean isn't alone and he doesn't get out of the room. So in that time, they're safe that he's going to stay oblivious to their little distortion of the agreement. 

He hasn't got enough of the symbols yet, but he's made a start on the translations and for a language he hasn't thought about at all in about ten years, what he does work out is pretty impressive. The main sticking points are contextual; he needs the rest to be certain of what they mean. His old notebook would be handy, he wonders if Sam could find it without needing to empty the Impala's trunk out completely in the parking lot. 

Sam is pacing liked a caged tiger and finally unable to take it any longer, Dean says, "S-s-stop!" Sam does as he's asked and comes over and sits near his brother. 

He rests his hand on Dean's arm and Dean looks up in surprise. "I'm sorry, Dean, if I had any idea, we'd have gone somewhere else or sorted it first. I laid the protection to stop anything getting in, I never imagined something might be here already." 

Dean just pats his arm. 

"I know you're upset, I can tell. The stutter ... it gets so much worse when we talk about..." 

Dean shakes his head, "S-stop p-please." He doesn't want to hear how he's letting Sam down again, his weakness, everyone's vulnerability. He turns away, trying to keep himself under control. 

Jordan and Bobby come back in at that point with another two sets of symbols. Dean accepts the paper they've written on and focusses his attention on that. Bobby says something about going out to look again and both men stand to leave. Enough of what they've said penetrates Dean's consciousness for him to look up and stop them. "W-wait." They turn to him. "I-i-i..." he gulps air and tries to start again, "I-i need m-my noteb-book. It's in-in the trunk. C-can one o-of y-you g-go with Sam?" 

"I'll stay here," says Jordan. Bobby nods.

* * *

Alone now, Jordan sits in Sam's seat, "You okay, Deano?" 

"Y-yeah, s-sorry about be-before." 

"Hey, keeping us on our toes, dude! So what was it?" 

"D-don't know. J-just th-thinking I guess." 

"Still waters run deep-all I can say is, it's a good job breathing is automatic or you'd be dead by now. You weren't reacting to anything. I was gonna try giving ya a wedgie an' all but Bobby didn't think it was a good idea." 

Dean's eyes soften, "Th-thank god for B-bobby." 

"We'll sort this Dean. Everything is going to be fine, just a little hiccup along the way." 

"I-i know." 

"How's he doing, Sam?" 

"I think he's worked it out, more or less. I think this is just to be sure. He needs it all to be sure." 

"Good. And how is he?" 

"He... He thought I... **we** were going to leave him to go on a hunt. He's actually better about it being here than us leaving him, but he's still upset, I guess." 

"Right, so how's he going to be when we work out for sure what it is and what to do?" 

"The whole thing has him screwed up, he's struggling to keep his speech clear enough for us to understand, but I dunno." 

"Well, we stick close. You think we can get this done today?" 

"I don't know." 

"We can camp out in the cars if not, stay close if you know what I mean. He doesn't need to know."

* * *

In the end, now they know what they're looking for and roughly where by using the plan Dean gave them, the whole thing becomes much easier. What amazes them all when they retrieve the final pieces is that Dean has already written down what he thinks they should say and he's almost got it right. 

"Where have you been hiding them brains, Deano Always thought your Sammy was the smart ass, dude," says Jordan. 

Dean shrugs as if it's nothing but Sam sees him relax a fraction. "Do you know what it is?" is Bobby's question. 

Dean answers "Y-yes, it's a bies." 

"You tell us about it? You know how to get rid of it?" 

Sam is relieved when Dean nods again to Bobby's question. He sees Bobby and Jordan relax a fraction, knows he feels the same relief, Dean is going to see them right. 

"I-i'll write it d-down, w-work it out. Y-you should go eat." When Sam nods agreement, Bobby and Jordan head out figuring Dean either wants peace or time to talk to Sam. 

Alone with Sam, Dean puts the pen he's been tapping down and pushes away from the table. Sam looks up, "You okay?" 

"Uh-huh. S-sam?" There is a pause before he continues, "Y-you think a d-demon is a demon, n-no matter w-what you call it, n-no m-matter who s-summons it?" 

"I never really thought about it but... I guess yeah. Why?" 

"Why w-would s-someone here w-want to c-call a demon?" 

"I don't know. That give you any clues?" 

"N-not really. I-i mean I c-can see how t-to get r-rid of it b-but not why it w-was here and i-if w-we don't k-now who, they c-can summon another." 

"Shit! So what?" 

"G-get it to tell us." 

"Like it's going to do that! Dean, we won't see it until it's been summoned... NO! ... You are not suggesting we summon it... there's got to be something else we can do." 

"Either w-watch and wait til w-we see someone r-raising it or s-summon it ourselves g-g-et it to tell us." 

"You're not serious with that. For a start, we don't raise demons, Dean, it's not something we mess around with, you know that. For seconds, wouldn't we have to use the same ritual to be sure of getting the same demon and if you're the only one who knows any Glagolitsa, how long is it going to take one of us to be able to do it because you're not in a position to be raising a will o' the wisp, let alone a fucking demon, man." 

"You c-could b-be waiting months to f-find out who th-then. W-watching that thing n-night and day. Y-you w-want that?" 

"But Dean..." 

"T-telll me the alternative S-sam, b-b-because b-believe me I-i don't w-want to do it." Sam can see that this statement is true, that Dean hasn't just been trying to translate the symbols, he's been contemplating what to do when he has. 

Sam sits down beside him and says, "We could give it a few days, see what happens." 

"N-n-no. It's n-not g-going to go away and it's n-not g-going to get easier. Be honest Sam. I-i-i'm more l-likely to be able to k-keep c-control if I-i-i've raised it than if s-someone else h-has. Th-this..." he gestures at himself, "... will m-matter less if I r-raised it." 

"But... Dean, you don't want to do this." 

"No. I d-don't. B-but there's lots I-i never wanted t-to do, b-but I did them anyway." 

"Yeah well, we're going to talk about that sometime. In the meantime, I'm going to get the others and we'll see what they think of this stupid idea." 

Dean puts his hand over Sam's arm to stop him leaving, then says, "I-i-i don't w-want this, but I-i-i d-don't see an-other w-way." 

Sam can hear the resignation in Dean's voice, but he's not going to give in that easily, "Well you just haven't come up with a way, big deal, it doesn't mean we won't think of something. We are quite capable of thinking this out properly, Dean." 

Sam knows it sounds harsh, knows Dean doesn't deserve him to sound so hard and patronising but he also doesn't want Dean to be in the front line again. Dean's done his bit for the fight, someone else needs to take his place now and if Sam thought he could do it and take Dean's place he would, but he knows that above everything else, Dean will not let that happen... ever. 


	20. Gather the players

_**Aftermath**_

* * *

**Disclaimer** - It doesn't matter how hard I wish, they aren't mine, for all ownership rights see E Kripke and CW. I don't make any money from this and don't have any to speak of so don't waste your money by coming to look for me

* * *

**Summary** - _This is set in the 'future' - after the boys have dealt the final blow to the demon we all love to hate. Dean is injured and on a rocky road to recovery but thankfully Sam and some other friends are there to help._

* * *

**Author's Note** - there is some reference to violence throughout the story and at times bad language. 

**Author's thanks** - to the ever patient and encouraging Rae Artemis for everything she does and puts up with (way more than the average beta!) Thanks also to anyone who takes the time to read this, and everyone who reviews. To the reviewers - you are wonderful (understatement there!) - I appreciate the time you take not only to read my efforts but also to comment - for the first time ever a story has passed into triple figures for the reviews; I shall leave you to imagine how much of a thrill that is for me. Thank you. Best wishes to you all.

* * *

_**Chapter 20 - Gather the players**_

In the end, events are taken out of their hands before they are given time to make any decisions or alternate plans, when Jordan and Bobby rush in saying they've seen someone out touching up the symbols. In that instant, Dean knows he's got to pull it together, he's got to pull this off because, no matter what, there is no time to teach anyone else the banishing; from here on in **_he's_** got to get it right.

"S-sam, my s-sweatshirt."

"No Dean."

"N-no, no time, n-no choice."

"But..."

Bobby stops him, "None of us like it, but Dean's right, we're out of time, out of choices. He is the only one who can pull this off." Turning to Dean, he says, "What can we do?"

"I n-need Sam w-with me, h-help me. You and J-jay, d-distraction."

It's Jordan who passes the sweatshirt and who pushes the wheelchair to the door, while Sam stands aside, hoping for an alternative to present itself. Bobby steps over to him and says quietly, "He needs **you,** Sam." It's all Sam needs to stir him to action and he sets off to take over the pushing.

* * *

Just outside the secluded area of the garden where the ritual will take place, Dean has Sam stop pushing and he struggles to force himself upright, fighting the stiffened muscles from the previous day's exertions. He walks slowly with Sam as his shadow, Bobby and Jordan move one to either side of the clearing. There is a man there with his back to them and he's in the midst of reciting something.

Dean nods at Jordan, who promptly calls to the man, "Hey, mister, what's that you were saying?"

When he gets no response, he tries again, "Don't you speak English, mister? I sure ain't heard that language before. You know I speak all kinds o' languages. See that always surprises people..." The man flicks an angry glare at Jordan as he stumbles over his words, but he hasn't even noticed the other three men, too intent on the ritual and on Jordan to look round properly, ".. .they seem to think that 'cos of what I look like, I ain't too bright, but that's where they're wrong and..." The man has stuttered again and on a quick glance at Dean, Jordan realises that the stuttering and jerky summoning won't stop the Demon coming, but will make it easier for Dean to take control and for Dean's own stutter to not be the key factor.

He carries on spouting whatever comes into his head and sees as the man in front of him has to back up and repeat a chunk of the ritual because he's lost track of what he's saying. He's just getting back into his stride and trying to concentrate solely on the ritual and ignore Jordan as much as he can, when Bobby calls across the clearing, as if speaking to Jordan, "There you are lad, I wondered what had happened to you."

The man looks round sharply at Jordan and then Bobby. As he looks back again, hope is clear in his features that Bobby will remove Jordan. The hope fades as Bobby starts to talk and approach him, "So has the lad been a bother to you?"

The man pauses, shakes his head and gestures abruptly at them both to go away. "No need to be like that, mister," says Jordan, "We're just looking round and passing the time of day."

Bobby carries on from him, "Yeah, my nephew is staying here, so we've every right to be here, so don't you go waving us off like that. So who are you visiting? Someone close? Like I said, we're visiting my nephew, he's been badly injured. It was a terrible thing..." Sam sees Dean flinch as if dreading what Bobby is going to say in his new role as 'uncle'. "... a terrible thing. Both legs broken, damage to his ribs, bruising and swelling and you know more damage than you could shake a stick at. A terrible thing like I said..." Dean has backed up, shrinking in on himself against Sam, who is beginning to wonder what game Bobby is playing because he's pretty sure this is not the reaction Bobby wants because it isn't doing Dean's confidence any good at all.

"Sorry to hear that, like you say a terrible thing, but if you don't mind, I'd like some time alone..." the man says in exasperation and Sam realises the man really doesn't know much about what he's doing and isn't sure whether he's going to have to start the ritual from scratch or whether he can just pick up where he left off. The guy doesn't have a clue what he's really got himself into.

But Bobby continues. "Yeah, sure, but see my nephew, you'd like him, he's got a good heart. That's right, isn't it lad?" he says across the clearing to Jordan.

"Yeah, he's got a good heart alright. Always puts other people first, his brother, his family, his friends, total strangers even, always first, never himself."

"Please... if you don't mind..."

"Like I was saying, a good heart he's got and in the end, it's what brought him here. Trying to keep other people safe. See he and his brother were rescuing these strangers and while his brother made sure they escaped safely, he faced the danger alone, held it back, gave them time..."

"It's sad and... and I'm sure you're proud of what he did but..."

"Proud? Proud of him! Proud... there's a word... see it isn't a big enough word, it doesn't cover it. The boy doesn't realise that yeah, we're proud of him. He amazes us every day by what he's faced, what he's done, what he's achieved and how much he has sacrificed without hesitation. Isn't that right lad?"

"Yeah he doesn't know, doesn't listen when people tell him he's done good, only ever thinks in terms of his having failed, pessimistic little beggar that he's always been." Jordan recognises that Bobby is trying to do more than just distract this man, he's trying to give Dean confidence.

"Yeah, lots of people around like that. Now I hope your nephew gets better soon, I really do, but I really do want some peace..."

"Gets better soon... see that's what we've been hoping for too," says Jordan, elaborating further on Bobby's theme, "But you know, it's really hard for him to do that. He's done amazing things. He walked down to the herb garden yesterday, can't believe he's managed to do that already..."

The 'already' has Dean looking up, 'already' means he's done more than they expect of him, 'already' means he hasn't been failing them at every turn, in some form he has done something right.

"That's true, boy..." says Bobby, " and you know everything he's been through, it left him with a bit of difficulty speaking, but he's tackled it, practised hard and he's improving all the time. You know what you never really appreciate, until it's someone important to you is just how much there is to overcome, just how big those hurdles are and how even with people around, it's his effort, his work that makes the change, he is the keystone and we're just here to back him up, support him as he needs. It's hard for him to remember that, that all he ever needs to do is ask and we'll be there for him."

The guy has had enough of the incessant interruption, but is completely baffled by this 'spirit of sharing' that is going on. "Look, I don't really care what happened to your nephew and what I'd like is for the two of you to piss off and leave me alone... go visit your fucking fantastic nephew and tell him all of this crap."

Dean flinches again, but Sam has got him, and leans in close to whisper, "Bobby and Jordan are right, telling the truth. Dean, you've impressed us all. We all believe in you..."

Dean half shakes his head, but Sam continues, "I'll be with you Dean... always." He feels Dean pull himself straighter.

Dean takes a step away from Sam. He instantly feels the loneliness he's known for almost his whole life set in. He knows he's only a step away from Sam, but it feels like miles. He hears Jordan speak, "We'll stick with him no matter what assholes like you say, because he isn't stupid or selfish and see we might have only just met but I can already tell you are both of those..."

"What the f...!"

"See he isn't stupid, he wouldn't raise a demon, like you're trying to do or selfish, I mean what the hell would you be asking that demon for, huh?"

"What would you know about it?"

"Enough to know it's a dumb ass thing to do. So this demon... what're you asking it for?"

The guy takes a risk and picking up where he left off, he plunges on to the end of the ritual.

* * *

It's enough. Dean sees it, the visual shifting of the air in front of him, not a shimmer, nothing so gentle. It's more of a rending of the air and then he sees the yellow eyes in a dark shape. He gasps, trying to hold himself steady. He has to do this, it's his job to protect his family and, whilst only Sam remains of his original family, these people around him now are the nearest he's got and they're counting on him to protect them.

The shape solidifies, Dean sees the guy cringe before it and knows that's not a good sign for him being able to keep control. He draws himself up taller, his full height, tells himself he **is** strong enough and he **can** do this.

"Ssssso little man, sssstill not happy, sssstill calling me back... sssstill wanting ssssomething more." There is a snake-like sibilance to the Demon's words. Dean stands quiet, waiting, ready. He still needs to know why the guy is summoning a demon. He's confident it's nothing to do with him or his family, but he needs to be able to make sure the guy isn't just going to summon another one as soon as they get rid of this one, because no good comes of summoning demons...ever. Sam was right on that one.

"You said, you'd make her better..."

"I did. Better ssshhe wassss... you ssssaw."

"It didn't last, she's worse again now though."

"Ssssso, you want what now, little man?"

"I want her to be well and to stay well."

"Life eternal."

"Yes... no... not eternal, just until she dies, normally, naturally with me, after me."

"With you? Are you sssure, little man?"

"Umm, do you know when I'm going to die?"

"Well now, there'ssss another quessstion. Are you going to live to a ripe old age or die on your way home tonight? You're jusssst full of quesssstions now, aren't you? Well, I have one for you... What are you willing to give me?"

"E-enough!" Dean steps forward and all the eyes flick to him.

The demon regards him carefully, then suddenly begins to laugh. "Winchesssster," it says, "Winchessssster'sss little ssssoldier boy." Its eyes flick round taking in Sam, Bobby and Jordan before settling its gaze back on Dean. "Hunterssss... hah! It won't do you any good, Winchesssster. The foolisssshnessss of thisss one hassss made sssure of that. Even that clever little brother of yourssss won't sssave you. In fact, maybe I'll let you watch me torture thessse but him, no he'ssss going to watch you beg me to kill you quicker and then he'll fulfil his desssstiny and be mine."

"Never yours," is Dean's reply. "He'll **never** b-be yours."

"Ssso sssure... ssso confident," it laughs again. "You think because you destroyed the Planner, that Ssssamuel'sss dessstiny will change? Ssssamuel, you ever wonder why your brother always puts you behind him?" He pauses as if waiting for a reply, then continues, saying, "Ever heard the ssssaying, 'Get theee behind me Ssssatan.'?" It laughs a harsh, bitter laugh.

"Shut the fuck up and l-leave him alone," Dean says.

"Now now, little sssoldier boy, ssso defensssive. You know you're going to pay for what you did, don't you? Family, ssso important to you, ever think it might be what countsss for otherssss too? You take mine, I'll take yoursss, but you don't have a proper one left , do you? Only Ssssamuel and he'sss already oursss, we're jussst counting the dayssss."

"N-never." Dean takes another step forward, takes a breath and begins to recite the banishing ritual in Glagolitsa.

"NO!" the demon sounds shocked, horrified by what he's hearing. "You... you can't know that, no-one doessss, it'sss been dead for yearssss. Ssstop!" but Dean continues to struggle through. The demon's fury erupts and he sends a lash of energy out to left and right, hitting and throwing Bobby and Jordan backward against the trees.

Dean hears their bodies impact, flicks a glance at each and sees them fall lifelessly to the floor. He stops, struggling to breathe, let alone speak, looks at Jordan, slumped like a forgotten rag doll and knows he was too slow, too feeble to protect the people who mattered to him... again. He staggers, struggling to keep himself together, knowing he's got to finish, got to protect Sam. He takes a step backward, tries to brace himself, tries to stay on his feet, knows he has to protect Sam. Sam is, as he has always been, Dean's responsibility.

He hears a step crunch on the path behind him, feels a body behind his, knows, as a hand rests against his back, that Sam is there, Sam is with him, hears the barely whispered, "You can do it."

He picks up the reciting where he left off, continues struggling to keep the stutter under control, to remember what he needs to say. He's gasping for breath, aware of nothing now but the fury of the demon and the warmth of Sam's hand on his back. It is that warmth that gives him the strength to continue, the strength to stay upright because as long as it is there on his back, then he knows he is between Sam and the demon.

He feels its approach, a crackling energy unleashed lashing across his face. He staggers, grateful as Sam catches him, supports him, takes strength from Sam, from his presence, from his goodness, the innocence that Dean has always battled so hard to protect. He forces his knees to lock to keep him standing, feels as Sam doesn't let go, doesn't leave. Sam is here and Dean isn't sure who is guarding who now but he continues the ritual, because it's the only thing he can do.

He feels the dig into his chest. He gasps, he can't believe it could happen again, knows what's coming, the tearing, ripping, wrenching, inside and out of invisible claws. He wants to beg, wants it to stop but knows if he gives into that then all is lost. Their only chance is for him to keep going, to finish. He struggles on, sees and feels as the demon's anger multiplies.

Dean knows his body can't take much more of this, his minutes are numbered and he has to finish before his time gives out.

He finishes, hears the demon's scream of anguish and defeat, knows it's over, he's done what was needed, he's protected Sam. He looks to Jordan and, with relief, sees him awake now but dazed. He tries to turn his head to Bobby, but feels the last of his strength flee from his grasp as his knees give way completely, but he stays conscious long enough to know vaguely that he hasn't fallen. As the darkness overtakes him, his last notion is of being lowered gently to the ground.

Dean doesn't hear his name cried in desperate anguish, doesn't feel as Sam shakes him trying to get a reaction, doesn't feel as the hands clamp down over his chest trying to hold his lifeblood in. He never knows how the staff battle to keep him alive long enough to get him back to the hospital. He remains unconscious as they stitch his wounds, replace his blood. He never knows that Bobby and Jordan are checked over and released with a warning to take care and not to drive for twenty-four hours, but they have nowhere to go but up to Dean's room. Dean knows nothing of the bedside vigil being kept, waiting on him.

It's almost forty-eight hours before Dean regains consciousness and he jerks back into wakefulness as if from a nightmare, but Sam is there. Sam catches him gently, stopping the forward motion, easing him back down, talking in a voice far calmer than either of their hearts are beating. Dean's eyes rove anxiously over the people in the room. He sees Jordan and Bobby and allows his eyes to settle back on Sam. He hears Sam's voice, calm and gentle, but he's too tired to make sense of what he's saying, so instead he lets his eyes drift closed and he returns to sleep again.


	21. Back on the road to recovery

_**Chapter 21 - Back on the road to recovery**_

Dean's injuries are confined to his face and chest and the associated bloodloss this time, so it is agreed that once the hospital staff are certain that he is over the bloodloss and that his other injuries can be cared for by his 'family', they will be happy to release him.

His 'family' have taken a decision while he's been out. They have decided that Dean isn't going back to the care home, they are taking him home with them, certain that between them they can take care of him. In conversation with the insurance, Sam has been able to arrange for Dean to see a physiotherapist and they've been offered the chance of a nurse visiting and sitting with him. They feel they probably don't need the nurse at this stage. None of them want to leave him with a stranger and, in medical terms, they're all more capable than they would ever want to be at changing dressings.

It only left them with one problem. The apartment, still officially 'Sam's place' although he hasn't stayed there at all since Bobby and Jordan arrived, is on the second floor and Dean is not going to be up to trips up and downstairs yet. That is when fortune shines on them for once, as the downstairs neighbours move out and Sam is able to take on that apartment. Jordan and Bobby will stay for now in the original with Sam and Dean living downstairs.

By the time Dean wakes up properly, the three men have everything decided. They've no idea what will happen when Dean wakes, where on his path to recovery he will be? Will this latest attack have sent him hurtling back to the beginning again? They don't know and, in some ways, it doesn't matter because they'll stick by him regardless.

In truth, once he's awake, he watches and listens. When they ask him a question, he answers. It's slow and careful, but the stammer is barely noticeable. It isn't happy or relaxed but nor does he panic when people enter or leave the room.

When they tell him the plan to take him home, he asks only two questions. The first is "Is it safe?" and once they've assured him of that, he asks "Can we go now?" He sounds so young but so weary as he asks it, that Sam finds himself choked. Jordan takes Sam's place at Dean's side and explains that just as soon as Dean has got the all clear for them looking after his chest injuries then they'll take him out but there's to be no AMAs or they can't use the insurance for the physiotherapy and he needs to keep building the muscle strength back up. Dean nods accepting the answer, then without a word, he rolls onto his side and settles as if to sleep.

* * *

They settle into a routine once Dean is home. The three of them working at different times of day so that Dean is never alone at home. It's less obvious than when they were at the care home, because they are no longer always in the same room as him. When he first gets home, one of them is always in the same apartment but as the weeks pass, Jordan and Bobby stay in their own apartment, just checking in on Dean regularly.

They've given him all the weapons to clean, polish or sharpen as appropriate and they've had him fix Bobby's broken EMF. He works hard on his physiotherapy and often practises his exercises when he's alone, feeling his strength returning as the repetitions get easier.

* * *

Jordan's on 'watch' on a particularly fine day and when he comes down, he sees Dean sitting staring out of the window. He decides then it's time to break Dean's isolation and so he suggests a walk. He's surprised by the look on Dean's face - he could almost swear it's relief and it's only a matter of minutes before they're ready to go. Jordan grabs a rucksack and without a word, shoves an extra sweatshirt into the bottom of it as a precaution. They walk to the end of the street and go into the shop there. Jordan, unlike Sam, doesn't fuss, just acts as if it was expected, after all why wouldn't Dean go into the shop, he'd been doing it for years, the last few months have just been a blip on the radar, passed and gone. They come out and head back to the house. It's enough for now but having achieved that much each time the two are home, Jordan suggests a walk, regardless of the weather. He's relieved that as time goes on not only do they go further but it becomes clear that Dean no longer needs him to be carrying a spare sweatshirt.

Life trundles on day by day and the physiotherapist begins to talk of finishing his work with Dean, another achievement. Bobby has spoken to Sam and Jordan independently about getting back to his own place and if they want, they're all more than welcome to head back with him. Sam has said he wants to give Dean more time, he doesn't want to move him yet and refuses to even bring the subject up in conversation with him. Jordan tries to talk him into at least mentioning it to Dean, but backs off with the reassurance that he'll stick around until Dean's ready, however, long it takes, before adding he's never had a proper job for this long before and if he keeps this up he might even get a reference, if not a promotion!

* * *

A few days later, Jordan is surprised by Dean at his door. "'s up dude?" seeing a slight agitation in Dean's features, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I just... I thought, maybe..." he hesitates and Jordan waits. When Jordan says nothing, Dean continues, "I thought maybe you might... well see, I was thinking I might go for a run and well..."

"A run? Dude!"

"It's okay. Doesn't matter." He turns to leave, but is stopped short by Jordan's hand on his shoulder.

"You sure?" When Dean nods, he says, "Okay. Give me five minutes and I'll meet you downstairs but listen up - we are not going far, we'll take it easy, we're not pushing it. Agreed?"

Dean nods again and sets off back downstairs. Jordan watches him go, hoping he's made the right decision and that Dean isn't trying to do too much too soon.

* * *

Jordan is relieved when Dean is conservative, they've walked much further than he tries to run and he doesn't go too fast. Also having run out, he settles himself to walk back without Jordan needing to say anything. "D-do you remember when we used t-to run as kids?" Dean asks as they walk.

"At Pastor Jim's, yeah. That was your Dad's doing. When you two weren't around, Jim wasn't half the task master without him leaving instructions."

"D-dad..." he sounds sad.

"Dean, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"It's okay. He's been g-gone... a long time now. Just somet-times I wonder..."

"What he'd think? Me too... I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I'd left mine, gone with Mom? Would he have come to his senses?"

"You th-think we ever will?"

"What? Come to our senses? Get out? God, I hope so! You know hanging here with you guys, having a proper job, I mean I know it's not much of a job and I'm sure I could do something a bit more, but you know I've kinda liked it. That whole coming back to the same place every night, the same bed, food in the fridge, cooking... not just greasy diners and fast food and coming back to your cooking, hell you're gonna make a wonderful wife one of these days..." he laughs as Dean pushes him off the path. "Seriously, Dean I don't want to spend every minute I breathe being a hunter. And you?"

"Dad would..."

"Dean man, I didn't ask what your Dad wanted. I asked what you wanted."

"Sam..."

"Shit-for-brains, you Dean! YOU! Not Sam, not your Dad, your Mom, your third cousin twice fucking removed. What do **you** want?"

The answer is barely whispered, "I don't know."

Jordan's frustration evaporates, he knows what it's like. It's not so long ago that he was stuck following his father from place to place, hunting peace from the torment as much as revenge for the death of his two older brothers but he'd made a choice. He may have been only nine but he could have gone with his mom and younger siblings, but he chose his dad, and even at its worst he could have gone back to his mom. Dean and Sam had never had a choice and had been much younger anyway. Jordan sits down on a fallen log beside the path and waits for Dean to sit. "Give it some thought," he says, when Dean stops pacing and finally sits. "You know too well what Sam wants, you've done what your Dad wanted, now it's your turn to choose."

"Sam wants..."

"Dean, listen to me. Sam's a big boy, you can make a decision and he can adapt."

"But it's my res..."

"You say responsibility and I will punch you, healing injuries or not... Dean, he isn't five or ten or fourteen anymore and nor are you. You can make a decision that's just for you and he can, if he chooses, adapt to it, but you're allowed dreams too. Hell it's taken me long enough to realise it, so trust me on this."

"You regret sticking with your Dad? Not g-going back to your Mom?"

"No. I don't regret it. I wish I hadn't had to make the choice and I wish I'd stayed in touch with my Mom and the other two but... no staying with my Dad, finding the answers, it didn't put it right, but it was the right thing for me to do."

"You giving it up now?"

"Dunno... maybe... or maybe just do it part-time"

"I..." he goes quiet and doesn't finish.

Jordan sighs then says, "You and me dude, you remember the pact in the treehouse at Jim's, secrets stay safe, still stands if you want it to."

"Yeah, I know." Dean stands up again. "We should be getting back."

Jordan gives in and follows suit. The two walk in silence to the end of the street when suddenly Dean says, "I sometimes wonder what it would be like to do something normal."


	22. Missing

**_Author's Note: _** thank you to the people who reviewed Chapter 21. I have seen that the review count has gone up but as yet the site does not seem to be forwarding them... same as it doesn't seem to be sending out all update alerts at the moment - given time I'm sure it will sort itself out as usual. And so, on with the show, only one more chapter after this one.

* * *

**_ Chapter 22 - Missing_**

Jordan is chewing on the side of his thumb, wondering how he let himself get caught up like this. No wonder Dean has...

"I can't believe - three hours! - three bloody hours, Jordan and you didn't think to worry. You were supposed to be watching out for him, I trusted you to..."

Jordan has been trying to rationalise Sam's reaction internally, well it was better than actually listening to what Sam was saying, or more correctly now, shouting, but he's had enough. He kind of remembers why as a kid he only ever imagined having Dean as his younger brother, somehow in those daydreams where Dean travelled with him and his Dad, Sam always got left behind. No, Dean can put up with this crap later if he wants, but Jordan is certain he isn't going to put up with it or not for any longer, Sam's been going for about twenty minutes straight already.

"Shut up, Sam."

"What?"

"I said, shut up, it's not difficult, or at least listen to yourself for a bit because you sound ridiculuous. Dean's an adult, so he's gone out, big deal... he'll be back when he's ready."

"Gone out? Are you an idiot? Dean doesn't go outside. Dean hasn't gone anywhere we haven't taken him in months and the only place we've taken him is the physiotherapist. Where would he go?"

Jordan regrets letting Sam know how long Dean's been gone and in truth, he is a bit worried, but he's at least half certain, he's got nothing to worry about. "What world are you living in? Dean hasn't been out! Don't you two talk about anything? Dean's been going out for at least a month. **We** have been doing the shopping. Who did you think had done the garden?" Jordan sees Sam's head turn sharply to look out at the garden, as if he hadn't realised there'd been a change. "You hadn't noticed his colour come back, the muscle tone? We've been running..."

"I...I..."

"He's been back and forth to the shop on his own for a good couple of weeks."

"And you didn't think to tell me any of this?"

"Obviously not." As soon as it's out of his mouth, Jordan thinks that maybe that was not the most diplomatic thing he could have said to Sam.

"Obviously not! Obviously not! You..."

"Sam," he tries to sound more reasonable, less inflammatory. "I didn't think to tell you because I thought you two would have been talking about it. I assumed I was just helping him have something to talk about. I assumed you would notice how much better he's been, how much fitter, but hey, I'm sorry, okay."

"Well **he** didn't say because **he **doesn't talk and you know that and what possessed you to think he should be running?"

"He does talk, if you ask the right questions, and the evidence is there, if you only stop looking at him like he's still in that wheelchair in that home. I know you had it when he was at his worst, that you suffered through that on your own, but Sam, you've got to get over it. You know he's been getting better, open your eyes and see how much."

"He shouldn't be training."

"Training or getting fit? There is a difference, although I suppose when he's been as ill as he has maybe not so much at this stage. He is just running - improving his stamina and he isn't or hasn't been overdoing it. He's been sensible about this, Sam. He's been building slowly - I've been there, I'd have stopped him, but I haven't needed to, and it was his idea anyway, not mine."

"What so he's ready to start hunting again?"

"None of it has been about the hunting. It's been about him wanting to feel better. So when he's back, you talk to him. Oh yeah, it's time you talked to him about Bobby's offer because if you don't, I will. Now, I'm gonna go out and see if I can find him. Are you going out or waiting here to see if he comes back?"

"Where do you think he might have gone?"

"If he's gone running, the woods or the park, if it's shopping, we've been going to the place down by the bridge."

"I'll go down there, Bobby's got my car, will you check the woods... please?"

"Sam..."

"I'm sorry, okay."

"Yeah, okay... You've got your cell, let me know if you find him and I'll do the same. When he gets back, we need to sort out his phone."

They've barely got out the door when a car pulls up outside and Dean gets out. They let out a joint sigh of relief and stand on the doorstep waiting.

He says bye, closes the car door and the car drives away. As he turns to come up the path, he hasn't seen them yet, but they've already noticed the limp as he walks and the fact that he's holding a bag in one hand and the other arm is held across his waist.

He looks up and sees them, tries to drop his arm and to walk without the limp. It's Jordan who says, "It's too late for that now, dude," as he comes down the steps to help Dean. "Oh yeah, Sam's home early. Apparently, you haven't told him you've been going out so..." He takes the bag from Dean's hand and puts his arm round Dean's waist leaving him to drop that hand over his shoulder as he helps him up the path, "... you're in trouble dude. I've had my earful, so once you're in, you're on your own."

Dean looks up at Sam, then says to Jordan, "I didn't do what you think."

"Me... think? No man, I've given up on that. Things never get any better when I think."


	23. Heading into the Future

_**Chapter 23 - Heading into the Future**_

Dean's ankle is bandaged and Sam's checked his ribs and wrist three times before he finally agrees to sit down and listen. "So yeah, I went for a run, just a short one and then I walked down to do some shopping. I know it's corny, but it's Jordan's birthday, so I thought I'd make what Pastor Jim used to make him and I was just on my way out when this dog hit me. I didn't see it coming, I tripped off the edge of the kerb, hence the ankle and wrist and the dog landed on me. Nothing major, I just slipped really."

"You went running on your own?"

"Yeah, but it's no big deal. You know Jordan and I have been running, well I didn't even try to run that far. I just thought that maybe it was time I wasn't so reliant on everyone else, I guess."

"You didn't tell me you'd been running. Why not?"

"The time just never seemed right and... and... I didn't want you to think I was training for a hunt, not after everything I said to you about you going hunting and it was never about that anyway."

"So what was it about?"

"Getting out, feeling better I suppose. I dunno."

"So Jordan's birthday, huh?"

"Yeah."

"So how old's that make him?"

"Old! Leave it at that for your own safety."

"What did Pastor Jim used to do for his birthday?"

""Mexican tortillas and a chocolate cake. It was his favourite when he was a kid. I just thought... you know..."

"It was a nice thought. I didn't know it was his birthday. I probably owe him an even bigger apology."

"Why?"

"I told him he was an idiot and he was irresponsible."

"Why?"

"Because you'd gone out and he didn't know where and I was worried."

"That's stupid, Sam."

"Well... I didn't know you'd been out at all, let alone so far, or on your own. Maybe if you'd told me... well then maybe I wouldn't have been so concerned."

"In which case, sorry and I'll apologise to Jordan too. Done now, can I get up and get on.?"

"No. We still need to talk."

"What about Sam?"

"What we're going to do from now on?"

"About what?"

"The future. Are we staying here?

"What do you want to do, Sam?"

"I want to know what you want?"

"What? Look, we could head for Stanford or back to Sarah or..."

"No. I want to know what you want." Sam sits down next to Dean's feet on the couch , stopping him from moving to stand up.

"I...," he sighs, "Sam, I don't know."

"Tell me what you don't want then." Sam watches as Dean looks anywhere but at him, as his hands begin to twist, and he's reminded of the days back in the care home when Dean first started to recover, but the least thing could make him anxious. "Dean? Anything, it doesn't matter."

"Sam..." he closes his eyes, "I don't know what I can do if I don't hunt... it's not a matter of wanting to hunt, it's about what else is there for someone like me? I'm not like you, Sam, I'm not clever. I'm not the sort of person who inspires trust in other people. I'm not someone who gets a break. There's no point in my wanting something because anything I want won't happen. I should stick to what I've got, what I know."

"Do you really believe all that? **Really** believe it?" He gets his answewr as Dean looks away. "You know something . Your life sucks and sure there are no guarantees that you'll get what you want in life, but there is one way to guarantee you won't and that is to not even try."

"Sam..."

"No, Dean, you think you're not clever. Why? You know more languages than most Americans, you know how to fix the Impala and make stuff like the EMF and I don't know what else and you can research stuff and you plan and organise hunts and draw conclusions and associations that other people couldn't and..."

"...and what good is any of that in the real world Sam? Honestly, it's no use, is it?"

"You're wrong, you could get a translating job with the languages."

"Get real Sam, knowing a bunch of dead languages and bearing in mind I concentrated on learning ritualistic stuff - I'm hardly conversant in any of them at a useful level."

"Fixing cars, you could get a job as a mechanic."

"I know about the Impala, dude - modern cars, I don't know shit."

"So you learn... start with the classics, the stuff you know and learn the rest..."

"How Sam? Who on this earth would be stupid enough to give me a job? I'm... I don't know... a drifter, I guess is the nicest way to put it."

"But you don't have to be... not anymore... not... not unless it's what you want. Look at Jordan, he's older than you and even he's managed to get and hold down a job."

"It's not a real job though, is it? Same as yours. You got them because your boss felt sorry for us and knew you were stuck here because of me."

"Dean, they are real jobs. Maybe you nearly dying to save her daughter got **us** the jobs, but they are real jobs, real work, she will replace us if we leave. You can get a job, if that's what you want. People do trust you, when you don't do the whole idiot act or the incorrigible flirt, when people see **you,** they trust you. We'll find someone who'll give you a chance. You just need to decide what to try. You could do anything."

"Sam..."

"Loads of people do training on the job now. You could..."

"Sam, what do you want to do?"

"I want to go... no Dean, no, this is not about what I want , it's about you."

"It's alright saying that now, but what if I want the wrong thing?"

"What do you mean the wrong thing? How can you want the wrong thing?"

"I want to be in the same town as you," Dean sounds almost ashamed as he says it.

"Yeah, so that's good for me too. Hell I was hoping we could share a place to live. So that's not the wrong choice, so we're okay so far."

"What if..." he sighs

"Dean, what if what?"

"What if what I want and what you want don't happen in the same town?"

"We work it out, we find a way round it. And that is easier once we know what you want or even where you want to be."

"Where would you like to be?"

"No. Dean, you get to choose... look to start with, we can stay here or Bobby has offered the three of us room at his or we can go somewhere new."

"What does Jordan say?"

"Funnily enough it's the one thing we agree on... you get to work it out."

"Sam..."

"Are you up to cooking or do you want me to do it? We better get a move on as the others will be down before long."

"I..."

"On second thoughts, you rest your ankle there, keep it up and I'll get some ice and while you're there you can get to thinking about all of our possible futures."

* * *

**Author's Notes:  Firstly a big thank you to everyone who stuck with the story to the end. A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed, it really is much appreciated. The story ends here because the future is open for them, all we need to know is that they can get better and move on. If you want to know what I think, I think Dean and Jordan will continue to hunt but part-time but as for what they'll do with the rest of their time... who knows! Thank you again. **


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